What I want to be when I grow up

A memekiller.

Not only does it sound awesome but by extension it also makes me want to be Janine. Which is probably way more cool than I could be being Elaine. But that's neither here nor there.

Heh. Memekiller. I totally support the cause. It must run in my family. My niece doesn't believe in chain mail type things (and hence, probably not memes either) and has calculated that she will have bad luck for the next 40,253,655 years. She has further calculated that by not reading or responding to the chain letters, she will have bad luck with boys for 5,987,223,522 years. Which, if you're counting, is 5,946,969,867 more years of boy-bad-luck than general-bad-luck. No word yet if the first 40,253,655 years run concurrently or not. Ouch.

So lonely

Why don't people play Freecell in class? Or Hearts?

You just see Solitaire. And sometimes internet games like TextTwist. Personally, I'd play Typer Shark but I don't have wireless, thank goodness.

I wouldn't play Hearts because I don't know how. I choose not to play games at all, but if I did play them in class, I would play Freecell. More interesting than Solitaire. More to think about. Um, maybe that's why people don't play it. Never mind. I have answered my own question.

Tricks are for cool kids

This is my nephew (the little one) and brother-in-law on the beach. No, this isn't photoshopped.

Amazingly/sadly/insert your own description here, my dad used to do this with me. He tried it on my younger sister Special K and it was a disaster. The girl is like a wet noodle. I know there is a picture of my dad doing this to me at my grandmother's house and he's got me lifted nearly to the ceiling. I'll have to track down a copy someday and scan it. My mom said my dad about gave her mom a heart attack when he did that.

So, the point of this picture is, I know we're related because nephew and I can both do this trick. As far as Special K goes, well...we didn't want to tell her until she was older, but we're really not related. Sorry.

With that, enjoy the three-day weekend, y'all!

Friday Spies©: Show Your Work Edition

1. What is the best thing about the city in which you live? What is the worst?

Best thing - despite being a fairly large city, the traffic is nil compared to other large places I have lived in or visited.

Worst thing - Fitz-Hume says one word answers aren't allowed this week so, "Everything" won't suffice as an answer. How about "Everything else?" Judges? Yes, apparently "everything else" is a correct answer. They would have also accepted "the dearth of fine dining" and "heat or humidity" and "the pothole situation."

2. Describe an idea or invention of yours that you would like to see turned into reality.

Unfortunately, I tell too many people my great ideas and they all get invented without me anyway. Like funderwear. Underwear that are fun to wear. Someone emailed me awhile back saying that someone else stole my funderwear idea.

Same thing with un-highlighters. They have them, although you have to use the special highlighters.

I have another idea but I'm certainly not telling YOU because YOU could run out and make a fortune off my random thoughts. Sooooooo unfair. But it involves soy products. That's all the hints you're getting.

3. Name an overrated author, musician, and movie. Name an underrated author, musician, and movie.

Overrateds:
Author - Most Oprah Book Club selected authors. Really. I've read quite a few and wish I had poked my eyes out instead.

I would say the DaVinci Code dude but I haven't read it, so that's probably not a fair thing to say. Although I had to hear about the juvenile level it was written on via the husband unit. Plus, the fact that I have to hear people earnestly arguing about whether Jesus was married or whether DaVinci was a Mafia man or whatever also makes me think that the whole thing is overrated. Certainly out of hand, if not overrated.

Musician - Beyonce and/or Destiny's Child.
Movie - Sideways. Duh.

Underrateds:
Author - Theodore Dreiser
Musician - Chingon
Movie - Memento

4. If your life were a sitcom slated to air in the fall, what would the show be called? Who would you cast in the starring role? And for extra credit, give us a brief treatment of the show.

Watching Elaine? A girl walks out of the Bar? Meet the McFockers?

Um, I couldn't cast myself in the starring role? I have the feeling I will need a job and I'm not quite sure I can get a legal one. And I already know my lines. I'm a perfect pick. Plus the casting call would just be too embarassing:

Requirements:
Preferably Asian (but negotiable)
Must be under 5'0
Okay with carrying around hot pink lunch boxes
Ability to ingest large amounts of Diet Dr. Pepper is a MUST

Brief treatment: Meet the McFockers is not at all related to the Barbra Streisand-Robert DeNiro-Dustin Hoffman Meet the Fockers. In fact, Elaine McPan, creator and star of the show, has never even seen the follow-up to Meet the Parents. So expect little to no relation to the movie. The show begins well but soon turns sour pretty much after the opening credits and first commercial break, i.e., when it starts for real. While the "couples reality show" has worked for other celebrity couples (Brittany & Kevin, Meet the Barkers, Nick & Jessica), this show jumps the shark genre and moves onto beating a dead horse. Not only does Ms. McPan study a lot, which is extremely boring for reality tv, but after Mr. McPan gets home from work he likes to sit around and play internet poker or read books for pleasure. Honestly, I've had more laughs at the channel that plays the weather radar 24/7. "Downgrade!"

5. When is the fun supposed to start?
Embarassing moment of the minute: I've never seen this movie.

That's what friends are for

Clarice sat next to me the other day in Barbri...with a banana. We ended up not sitting together for some other reason, but thankfully, she didn't eat it on front of me. Usually people don't eat bananas in front of me. I think this is what they meant by the above-referenced song.

However, Dionne Warwick might have also meant that friends have the license to totally make fun of your quirks such as my bananaphobia. After the lecture, they were going on about how I am probably also loathe to watch the Hollaback Girl video where Gwen is marching around in a band uniform chanting B-A-N-A-N-A-S! Bananas! Go Go Bananas! and reenacting that particular part of the video. Nice y'all. Screw you guys, I'm going home. /Cartman

And now, back to my regularly scheduled Barbri.

Friday Cat Blogging: It's a two-fer!

Your mom goes to college

Update:
No hockey
Basketball = boring and too squeaky
BarBri and/or PMBR

Conclusion:
A generally sucky situation but not too depressing. I just plod along doing my questions. I do have a new BarBri complaint, though. They write some weird, vague questions. I quibble with the right answers. Hell, I quibble with the question(s). I'm thinking that I might just do like, 75% PMBR questions and only 25% BarBri (only for the MBE...BarBri for everything else). Plus, PMBR has nicer answer bubbles.

Mimus polyglottos!

Whoa. The mockingbird is the state bird of Texas, Arkansas, Mississippi, Tennessee, and Florida?

Interesting. Besides that, it has an awesome scientific name.

Yeah, BarBri is already killing my ability to be interesting. Um, if I ever had one. The good news is that I have improved 50% my score in criminal testing. That probably gives you some indicator of just how poorly I did on the taking-it-cold test two weeks ago in PMBR.

Something to cheer about

NYC Abandons Plan to Ban Subway Photography

Thank goodness. A can take tons of pictures of me now waiting for the C train. Because it's his favorite activity.

Ewwwwwwww

What I learned tonight from BarBri

Mayhem: At common law, the felony of mayhem required either dismemberment (the removal of some bodily part) or disablement of a bodily part.

Dude. We never covered that in my crim law class. So. Unfair.

True dat

She is Progressive Girl Click on the picture below to read more: Take the 'What Kind of Girl Is She?' quiz at CookingToHookup.com

As seen on LQ!

Have you...the wing?

I discovered a while back that I have the same ring size as I do shoe size.

I thought this was an amazing discovery and shared it with my friends, most of whom discovered that they too have the same ring size as shoe size.

The exceptions were like, really tall thin people with skinny fingers.

A friend said that she had seen on Queer Eye a trick to guesstimating whether pants would fit a guy. Take the pants and act like you're going to strangle him with the waist (i.e., wrap the waist around his neck...I threw in the strangling bit.) If they fit just right around the neck, they'll fit his waist. Obviously this probably only works for the average male. But that is weird.

Rowr rowr!!!

Brute You are 42% Rational, 28% Extroverted, 57% Brutal, and 85% Arrogant.

You are the Brute! You are introverted, arrogant, brutal, and more intuitive than rational. Like a big, dumb animal, you are driven by your emotions more than your reason, and as a result of the fact that you care very little for the feelings of others, you tend to be rather selfish. Because of your selfishness, you also tend to be a bit arrogant, seeing yourself as big or strong or smart or always correct. This makes you a stubborn, irrational, emotion-driven brute. King Kong best represents the gorilla-version of your personality. Emotional, introverted (King Kong was isolated on his own island, after all), brutal, and arrogant (proud to be the largest ape on Earth!), Kong would probably get along very well with you, seeing as how you share many of the same traits. Aside from, you know, all the fur. So your personality defect is simply that you resemble King Kong to a very high degree. Which probably isn't a good thing, you big brute! To put it less negatively: 1. You are more INTUITIVE than rational. 2. You are more INTROVERTED than extroverted. 3. You are more BRUTAL than gentle. 4. You are more ARROGANT than humble. Compatibility: Your exact opposite is the Hand-Raiser. Other personalities you would probably get along with are the Class Clown, the Schoolyard Bully, and the Sociopath. * * If you scored near fifty percent for a certain trait (42%-58%), you could very well go either way. For example, someone with 42% Extroversion is slightly leaning towards being an introvert, but is close enough to being an extrovert to be classified that way as well. Below is a list of the other personality types so that you can determine which other possible categories you may fill if you scored near fifty percent for certain traits. The other personality types: The Emo Kid: Intuitive, Introverted, Gentle, Humble. The Starving Artist: Intuitive, Introverted, Gentle, Arrogant. The Bitch-Slap: Intuitive, Introverted, Brutal, Humble. The Brute: Intuitive, Introverted, Brutal, Arrogant. The Hippie: Intuitive, Extroverted, Gentle, Humble. The Televangelist: Intuitive, Extroverted, Gentle, Arrogant. The Schoolyard Bully: Intuitive, Extroverted, Brutal, Humble. The Class Clown: Intuitive, Extroverted, Brutal, Arrogant. The Robot: Rational, Introverted, Gentle, Humble. The Haughty Intellectual: Rational, Introverted, Gentle, Arrogant. The Spiteful Loner: Rational, Introverted, Brutal, Humble. The Sociopath: Rational, Introverted, Brutal, Arrogant. The Hand-Raiser: Rational, Extroverted, Gentle, Humble. The Braggart: Rational, Extroverted, Gentle, Arrogant. The Capitalist Pig: Rational, Extroverted, Brutal, Humble. The Smartass: Rational, Extroverted, Brutal, Arrogant.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 24% on Rationality You scored higher than 29% on Extroversion You scored higher than 68% on Brutality You scored higher than 92% on Arrogance

Link: The Personality Defect Test written by saint_gasoline on Ok Cupid

I believe this makes Frequent Citations my exact opposite.

Friday Spies©: Would You Rather Edition

1. Live alone on a deserted island for 10 years or be paid to live at Neverland Ranch with the King of Pop for one year?

I'm going to treat this like a law exam and say that there's not enough information to determine an answer and therefore, I'm going to make up conditions and such and answer it the way I really want to.

Deserted island: While the island may be deserted, there is nothing to indicate that I won't have a supply of food, shelter, clothing, sunscreen, and entertainment. I mean, look at Gilligan's Island. They made radios out of coconut shells. That sounds pretty comfy.

Neverland Ranch: The facts do not specify the amount of money I would receive for living with the King of Pop. I assume that it must be a vast amount of money to make it the alternative option to being stranded. Further assuming that it is in the millions of dollars, I would totally choose this option on the condition that nothing bad would later happen like, oh, investigation by the police, etc.

Pros:
A) The King of Pop (KoP) probably has little to no interest in me, seeing as how I'm a grown (albeit small) woman.

B) We're talking millions, folks. For one year.

C) There's a whole carnival set up. It would be awesome. Animals, etc.

Ultimately, I would choose a year with the KoP because I could really use some money and I'm not so much into the nature thing. And I can barely swim. I saw Castaway. It gave me nightmares. I use UPS instead of FedEx now.

2. Be deaf or blind?

Easy. Deaf. I can already sign. I can't hardly walk across a dimly lit room without breaking an ankle, so the blind thing is out of the question. Plus, I really enjoy looking at myself in the mirror for long periods of time. Also, all that begging for the Mustang would be wasted.

3. Have skin which changed color depending on your mood or visible sight lines?

I'm not really sure what you mean by visible sight lines unless it's like in the comics where when someone's staring at someone/thing else you see little arrow-type lines. I guess I would pick skin color, because my mood is pretty transparent anyway, so there isn't a big change there.

4. Spend a year in prison or a year on tour with Celine Dion and John Tesh?

What prison are we talking about? Shawshank Redemption type with the sisters and such? Or Martha Stewart's place? I don't actually have much of a clue about John Tesh but I certainly know who Celine Dion is. I guess I would pick touring because hey, it's touring on buses. And I could brush up on my French with Celine.

5. Have threesome with your close friends or with total strangers?

This is a family blog...what's a threesome?*

*But, hypothetically speaking...my close friends are some pretty hot chicks. I'm just sayin'.

Friday Cat Blogging

Thomas McPan, champion napper

Oh, eye get it

Like always, I am a follower and not a leader. (Um, I wasn't sure if this was a two-eye thing or a one-eye thing. I'm gonna follow Fitz and E. Spat and go with the one eye. My other eye is a patch.)

For some reason, I don't have a lot of pictures of my face close-up. They're all taken from a distance and usually it's got to be so far because Mr. McP is so tall in comparison. This pic is a few years old. It was freaking hot outside and I'm sweating to death. But it's one of the few that isn't sunglassed.

Look, you can see my little undereye/high cheek freckles! I've got them on both sides but they're hard to see unless you're looking closely. I think they're dumb but A thinks they're cute. Lucy Liu has them too. Not that we're related or anything. I'm just saying. Ah, never mind.

Honkeytonk University School of Law

Soooooo...I ran right out and got my diploma framed because I figure if it's behind bulletproof UV-safe, anti-reflective glass, I can't crinkle it up or leave it laying around or whatever. Remember, they handed us The Real Thing © and not even in a cardboard tube or anything.

Well, I got a letter yesterday saying that due to ---------------, I would be receiving a new diploma, free of charge, and more correct than the last one. Nothing is technically wrong with my last one. It just doesn't have everything on there that could be on there. But the school knew they'd have to order me a new one last week, due to ------------- (see above), but they didn't tell me not to run out and frame it or that I would be getting a new one.

Last night I placed an emergency call to the framer's asking them to go ahead and cut the mat, etc. but not to frame the diploma they had. And, uh, to hold it for about 6-8 weeks.

Herein lies the problem. In six weeks, I'll be here. In eight or nine weeks I reckon I got to light out for the Territory new homestead. I won't even know my new address until six weeks or more. So I am telling the diploma lady I'll pick it up. Which might mean a trip back to LSC or a prolonged post-bar stay with some friends. Actually, that wouldn't be so bad. I'm just hoping that the framers will be able to churn out the diploma in like, 2 days and not a week. I don't trust them to mail it.

I'm still waiting for my admission into the AHBA, by the way.

I'm Rick James!

Before anyone wonders if I too have fled to South Africa and/or smoked too much crack, the answer is no.

I spent a large majority of the day hangin' with my best law school girlfriends, giving them crazy graduation gifts and watching them drink margaritas that cost more than my shoes.

BarBri starts soon and I haven't done anything I had wanted to do this week except maybe stay up late and watch like one movie I had been planning to see. Okay....so I did some laundry and dishes. But that's it.

Since I missed the UPS wo/man (seeing as how I missed the delivery, I don't actually know that it's a man. Or a woman) today, I have to hang out at the fort tomorrow until s/he comes because it's one of those "You alone must sign" packages. Actually, it's two packages. Well, not that that's important.

As you were.

Gosh!

I just watched Napoleon Dynamite (borrowed from the gracious Mr. O).

I must say that I was puzzled. Pleased but somewhat puzzled. Nevertheless, a good movie.

I wish I could dance like that. Cuz that would be awesome sweet.

I got sunshine in a bag

I'm useless but not for long, the future is coming on, it's coming on, it's coming on...

Yep. I'm pretty useless for now.

Graduation party was fun. Family, kids, cats, the whole shebang. A turned it into an impromptu poker tournament (of course).

We have a ginormous 1/2 sheet cake left over. My mom brought a froufrou bakery cake and everyone loved it more than the grocery store cake I bought as a last minute panic buy. Too bad I can't take it back.

Yesterday I spent the whole afternoon/early evening in court. I guess we really screwed over the evening news who had been there since lunch waiting for the judgment. It didn't happen until about 6:30, after all the news was over. I didn't get home until after 7:00.

Today I'm alternating between writing thank you notes, making phone calls, mailing stuff, and getting the husband ready to move, but hardly anything is getting done. I don't even feel like blogging. I'm sure that once BarBri begins, I will have plenty of things to make fun of or complain about.

Anyway, here's hoping that the post-graduation denouement doesn't last long.

Want to lose 4.5 pounds in a day?: A graduation story

Try wearing a dress with a built-in corset under a velvet-trimmed robe and stand outside in the heat, pushed around by literally a couple thousand people while shouting into a cell phone.

It worked for me!

[insert obligatory picture of person holding out a pair of pants that are 3,000 sizes too big]

Quite a few of my family members made it (even on time!!!) and we all went to graduation site. I had to be there an hour early to line up or something. They lined us up in alpha order then did the old scramble drill that you might remember from band and lined us up again. This for law graduates? By then the pink shoes were killing me. And I thought, Maybe I should have gone to the bathroom again. You know, for good measure.

The procession in went fine. I got the last chair at the back, which meant I didn't have to be the first person on the front row. Whew. The ceremony itself was a graduation ceremony - mostly boring and awards given to people you didn't know and the graduates gossiping about that one person who inevitably wears jeans and ugly brown shoes under their robe. It was a girl, in case you were wondering. The sound system was pretty bad and I had no idea what was going on for the most part. My best friend Charlotte got a big award and the place went wild. She waved like a homecoming queen. It was pretty cool.

At about the Fs, the fire alarm went off and little strobe lights flashed. A recording kept telling us not to use the elevators but to proceed out the nearest exit. About six people moved. Mostly the administration just stood there dumbfounded and I'm sure whoever was about to be hooded was thinking, Come on, just hood me and then let's go! Within a few minutes they confirmed that it was a false alarm. The recording was shut off but not the strobe lights. Luckily, by the time they got to the Ms, all the fire accoutrements were quieted. I felt fairly secure, seeing as how the guy next to me is also a firefighter and he wasn't panicking.

So it gets to be my turn and I stand there like a dope, not walking or anything. I can hear my family screaming, "Elaine!!!!" and "Yay!" and the marshall is trying to push me out onto the stage. I guess I got confused because they announce your awards (and no, I didn't get perfect attendance...dang that one class I missed) and distinctions first and then your name. Plus, the name reader man had a huge beard-moustache combo that made it hard to understand what he was saying.

Eventually I stumble out there and get hooded without anything horrible happening. I get my diploma (yes, the real thing) and other certificates, etc. and sit down. Ahh.

[Okay, I had the whole post written and previewed it, clicked back to make a couple of changes and somehow everything after this point was deleted. So this will most likely be the condensed, Reader's Digest version now.]

The processional out was fine, except that some yoyo had the idea that the graduates should walk out into the tiny foyer, which also served as the exit point for um, 2,000 attendees. So 2,000+ people are trying to exit out the same area and the graduates from about A-F are still trying to push their way outside while the Ms are stuck still at the exit from the audiotorium. As you can imagine, that sucked. I managed to push my way to the hall where the bathroom was but was told that I would have to return my cap and gown if I went down the hall. Well, we were too dumb to take any pictures beforehand, so I had to go outside for pictures.

I pushed back through the crowd and realized that even with 3-inch heels, everyone was still taller than me and I couldn't find my family. And since my dress didn't even have straps, it sure as heck didn't have pockets for a cell phone. I found my sister who had a cell phone. Eventually I found all my family (except one who had been lost for 30 minutes looking for the car so she could change a poopy diaper) and we took a few pictures. I'm not going to share any right now because you can't see my face due to the large amount of sweat sheen on it. Apparently I don't take to being crushed by 2,000 people and the unseasonable heat and humidity too well. Plus, by then I really had to pee.

We watched the video yesterday and I can hear Special K telling me that I should have put absorbent-deo on my face to see how well it worked. You can also see me trying to tell her without my parents seeing to shut the eff up. (Yes, I said "eff" and not the other word. It doesn't matter, though, because you get my drift on the video and besides, I have now just published it.) Yes, it was a proud moment for me.

After I managed to frown in all the pictures I ran back inside, threw the sweaty cap and gown at the people and beelined for the bathroom. Where I had to wait. Finally, ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

We went back to Ft. McPan and chowed down on BBQ (ribs [the gimongo pork ones, the little baby backs], brisket, and sausage), potato and macaroni salad, chips and dip, two kinds of cake, ice cream, etc.

I managed to get three watches for graduation. My sister-in-law said she had asked my husband if anyone else was getting me a watch and he said no, so she bought one. Guess who else bought me a watch? Mr. McP! Haha. So now I am totally tricked out with timepieces. I like longevity in my watches, so I think I am set for the next 15 or so years, watch-wise. I had one that I got as a gift I think my sophomore year in high school and wore it until my second year in college when it was stolen in the bathroom. I then bought a $13 Timex from Wal-Mart which I wore for the next 3 years. I got a watch from my sister for Christmas. I wore that for about 4 years and now I have three new ones to rotate into use.

Okay, back to the amazing weight loss story. That night, as I was brushing my teeth, I stepped on the scale. I'm easily bored and this makes me feel like I am multi-tasking. I was amazed to see that I had lost 4.5 pounds despite having eaten at least 2 pounds of food at dinner alone. I came to the conclusion that I sweated it out while taking pictures. Ewwwwwwwwwwwww. I hope they dry-clean that cap and gown. Or burn it. Whichever.

I feel weird now because I don't feel exactly right telling people I'm a law student. Can I be a lawyer without practicing law? (I think the answer is yes, but I don't like to call myself that. Feels weird.)

At any rate, I'm going to be in court today for a sentencing hearing (I did some research stuff for the case but am not a co-counsel or anything) so it will seem like the same-old-same-old, which is fine. I think the only thing I will be missing is 18 hours of King of the Hill on FX. Hey, it beats Good Morning America.

Shimmy shimmy co-conut, shimmy shimmy rock

Well, The Big Day is here. Gosh, this is more overhyped than my wedding.

I got up and made a chile rellanos casserole (basically like a quiche except with poblano peppers instead of spinach or ham or whatever) for breakfast. Now I just gotta sit around and then 30 minutes before go time, put on the dress and crazy shoes.

No more blogging for probably the next coupla days.

Until then, I remain...

/s/ Batman

Batman Forever

Friday Spies ©: Friday the 13th edition

1. If you could change any element of your physical appearance, would you? If so, what would you change? If you could change any aspect of your personality would you?

I'd like to be taller, but that's just for convenience. No more, "Can you reach the top shelf for me?" at the grocery store. I'd automatically save $10 on all pants because I get them all altered. Except "cropped" pants which are almost the right length. I'd also save $20 on jackets because I have to have all the sleeves shortened. So convenience and cost. Who knew that being a normal size was cost-effective? Think of all the money you're saving, normal people!

Personality wise, I'd probably try to be less annoying. For the meantime, I like to pretend it's part of my charm.

2. Name a good make-out song (I believe the kids these days would call that "baby-making music").

Justify My Love, with Garth dancing in the background.

3. What did Britney say to Kevin when she found out she was pregnant? What was his response?

Brit: I told you I should have worn shoes in that bathroom! Kev: That's what my last girlfriend said and I told her that you couldn't get pregnant that way. Oops.

Dang it. Divine Angst already made the Britney joke. However, I'm trying to clean house frantically before the guests arrive, so I can't devote any more brain cells to Britney's pregnancy.

4. Did Oswald act alone?

Um...I would tell you. Except then I'd have to kill you. Interesting tidbit: we lived a couple of blocks away from where Marina Oswald stayed with her friend - Betty something? I think it was shortly after the assassination. Oh, and um, that sort of tells you where we used to live. But we've moved the Batcave since. So stop stalking me already. I'm Batman, b****!

5. Are you superstitious? Do you believe in luck, karma, fate, the supernatural, etc?

Not really. Despite all my susperstitious lucky charms, deodorant, etc., I could live without them. I don't believe in ghosts (but I'm scared when I have to go home late at night by myself and my friend's parents have filled me with ghost and susperstition stories) or the afterlife or other stuff. I mean, I would entertain superstitious-y thoughts for the humoristic value but I don't actively believe in them and change my plans or whatever based on some cat crossing my path or whatever.

Got my nails did

I don't like to be touched. I don't like massages. I am a cold hearted person. And miserly. Which is why I normally do my own manicuring and pedicuring, etc. But today, for graduation purposes, I broke the rule and managed to sit (mostly) still through a mani-pedi after bar prep. The worst is a tie between when they are massaging your calf (it almost hurts but I think it's supposed to feel "good") and when they are rubbing the bottom of your foot. My Babinski reflex makes me want to curl up my entire body...okay, so maybe that's not a Babinksi but rather some other reaction to having my feet touched.

Anyhoo, I am now Frenchly manicured. I always feel bad for the pedicurists because I would never want to be one but I justify it because I think I have cute feet. I'm not like a foot supermodel or even a plain foot model, but my feet aren't gross. I think the many many years of sheltering them in closed-toed shoes until about 2 years ago really contributed to their cuteness.

There are more, disgusting things to talk about re: other people's feet but I have things to do right now. I went grocery shopping today and A has already confessed to busting into the "party" groceries. I tried to do shopping at the very last minute to avoid this but this is like the last free time I will have. Which also means, except little to no posting until Sunday or later.

So wrong. Why am I going to hell more than LQ?

Your Deadly Sins

Gluttony: 60%

Wrath: 60%

Sloth: 40%

Envy: 20%

Lust: 20%

Greed: 0%

Pride: 0%

Chance You'll Go to Hell: 29%

You'll die choking on a cookie in bed.

How Sinful Are You?

Not that I'm saying LQ is worse than me. I'm just saying it's not fair. And it's easy to blame her since she gave me the quiz.

M'aidez! M'aidez!

Uh...help!

Los Hot Pink Shoes came today. While theoretically they resemble the picture, I expected more bright pinkness. Instead they are sort of Barbie Bubblegum (except not light pink, more magenta pink?). Which is fine.

I'm wearing them right now (sitting at the computer) and the only reason that is relevant is that it means I'm "safe" for the moment. I look like a bad mime routine trying to walk around in them. Okay, so it's not as bad as slipping on imaginary banana peels left and right or anything but I feel very wobbly and teetery. Yikes. How you girls (and anyone else, except TP because we know he emphatically does not do high heels) do it is beyond me.

I am also concerned that I will falter backwards and completely snap off the heel. These things are engineered to withstand a weight shift backwards...right?

Well I'll be dogged

I can't recall if I've ever talked about this before on the blog, but I dread the spring grade report because I suck in the spring due to finals coinciding with hockey playoffs. Seriously. From 2000 on, spring has been a much worse semester than fall.

I wondered how it would stack up this year, being that there's no hockey. I mainly watched more VH1 and worked on cases rather than actually studying harder or more. So I figured grade-wise it'd be a wash.

But I'll be dogged if this wasn't my best semester in law school. And the fall was my second best ever. Apparently hockey and grades just don't mix.

Of course I still haven't made the "official list of May 2005 graduates" but I'm hoping that my name is posted today. With an exclamation point and hearts and balloons, etc. beside it. Because I rock.

UPDATE 1:45 p.m. GMT (you figure out what time that is where you live...I'm not your mother): I made the "official list." Thank goodness. Otherwise, I'd have to cancel the clown I had hired, the "I'm gonna make this balloon into an elephant" guy, the 15 caterers, call the post office to stop delivery of the announcements, etc. And of course, give back all the presents. It's just like a wedding. Not that I had to give back any wedding presents or anything. Um, never mind.

Barf'emback girl

Gwen Stefani's "Hollaback Girl" + banana references (weird in itself given my recent discovery of food being used in racial contexts) = Ugh.

I think you all can guess where this is headed, given my stance on bananas, so I'm just going to leave it at this.

Okay, well, and also I think this whole Stefani on her own with her Asian horde is just weird. I won't go so far as to call her "Harajuki girls" human pets but it is rather odd. But then again, so is the entire throng of people who accompany other famous rockers. See, e.g., Farnsworth Bentley.

Quizzle time

Your Geek Profile:

Academic Geekiness: Highest

Music Geekiness: Highest

Fashion Geekiness: Moderate

Internet Geekiness: Moderate

SciFi Geekiness: Moderate

Movie Geekiness: Low

Gamer Geekiness: None

Geekiness in Love: None

General Geekiness: None

How Geeky Are You?

Thanks Beanie!

You Have Good Karma

In general, you like to do the right thing when it comes to others. Your caring personality really shines through. Sure, you have your moments of weakness - and occasionally act out. But, all in all, you're karma is good... even with those few dark spots.

How's Your Karma?

You Are a Little Scary

You've got a nice edge to you. Use it.

How scary are you?

You Are 50% Left Brained, 50% Right Brained

The left side of your brain controls verbal ability, attention to detail, and reasoning. Left brained people are good at communication and persuading others. If you're left brained, you are likely good at math and logic. Your left brain prefers dogs, reading, and quiet. The right side of your brain is all about creativity and flexibility. Daring and intuitive, right brained people see the world in their unique way. If you're right brained, you likely have a talent for creative writing and art. Your right brain prefers day dreaming, philosophy, and sports.

Are You Right or Left Brained?

I heart Zappos

I ordered these shoes online today (I know, graduation this weekend...I'm sort of cutting it close) and when I checked out, I kept waiting for the shipping options screen. It never came and I ended up ordering them to be delivered 4-5 business days from now. Well, obviously that wasn't going to be any good, so I called and was in a panic.

The lady asked, "When do you need them by?" and I said, "Saturday. I'm graduating." She said, "How about if I upgrade your shipping to on or before Wednesday, at no charge?" I couldn't believe it. "Fabulous!"

So, after that rousing testimonial, I highly recommend Zappos.com.


I hope these shoes fit. I've never bought this brand before. Also, I hope I don't fall down in them. The blurb says they are 3 inch heels, which is approximately 1/19th of my entire height. Plus, I'm the type who "trips" on grass, cement sidewalks, etc. In sneakers. Or lug soles. I don't get the whole "I walk around in sexy shoes" thing from my cousin.

Xena, Road Warrior Princess

The new Vegas commercial ("Hi, I'm Phoebe." "Hi, I'm Lucy and this is my friend Ethel.") came on and it reminded me of something I overheard the other day at Starbucks. They were taking names for the drink orders so they could inevitably mangle them when the orders were ready.

Cashier to girl in front of me: And what's the name?
Xena.
Double-take. Leans in with sharpie poised to write on cup. I'm sorry, what?
Xena.
And you spell that...
X-E-N-A.
[Yells]: Grande mocha frapp! For...um, Xena!

Giggling throughout the entire store.

The more you know

You know what sucks? Saturday school.

You know what sucks even more? Sunday school, the non-churching-up variety. Property (or whatever...I don't even care), here I come. For the next SIX hours.

Hooked on a feeling

You Are a Snarky Blogger!

You've got a razor sharp wit that bloggers are secretly scared of. And that's why they read your posts as often as they can!

What kind of blogger are you?

As seen at Stag's! I tried it again to get a second outcome with the answer I would have picked if I could pick more than one and uh, I'm still snarky. Don't be afraid of me.

Unfortunately, Kitten War was also seen there and now I am hopelessly hooked.

Friday Spies ©: Seis de Mayo edition

1. What is a food you have tried but will never eat again, and what don't you like about it?

Bananas. They're yellow. They smell. They are quiet yet make a disgusting smacking noise when eaten. Those weird black banana seeds at the bottom. They turn brown. People make pudding out of them. Blech!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2. What are your five favorite possessions?

My kitties
My lucky charms
My stuffed animals
My ipod mini
Shorts. Pretty much all shorts.

3. How do you deal with confrontation? Do you seek it out or do you avoid it? Are you more apt to be the confronter or the confronted?

I don't seek out confrontation but I won't wilt under it. Depending on the situation, I can be the confronter. "Respect my authorita!"

4. What will Michael Jackson be doing five years from now?

Marrying Lisa Marie Presley...again.

5. What is the worst movie sequel ever made, what is the best sequel ever, and what movie should have had a sequel but didn't?

Worst movie sequel ever: Legally Blonde 2

This one is hard because there were so many bad sequels but I didn't see them: The Matrix Reloaded and Revolutions, Airplane 2, All Star Wars prequels (well, we saw the first one and never went back)...but I chose Legally Blonde because I actually saw it)

Best sequel ever: Kill Bill 2
Shoulda had a sequel: Monty Python and the Holy Grail

The write stuff

We received a graduation announcement from one of A's cousins. When I looked at the envelope, the handwriting looked similar to my husband's grade school handwriting. (This isn't meant to insult any party. I'm just saying.) Anyway, I was just wondering if handwriting or writing style is partially genetic or learned.

I know my oldest sister has often said that she writes like my mom because she used to spend her time practicing writing and my mom's handwriting (which I swear is so perfect it could be a font) was the most handy sample.

I think a lot of my sisters write similarly and I think that my husband's sister has a similar printing style to her mother's. I think my mother in law has cursive like her mother's. (P.S. - no need to point out that not only do I pay an inordinate amount of attention to people's handwriting but that I also have too much time on my hands)

So...do you write like your family members?

It's mountains all the way across!

People are asking me what it feels like to be a graduate, etc. So far, it's rather anticlimactic. I mean, three years of studying, outlining, and exams. And now...I'm still doing the same old same old. I'm in my office refilling candy jars, talking to Office Mate, working on cases.

Here's the best way to describe the way I feel, though. You know that song The Bear Went Over the Mountain? And when he got to the top, all he saw was another mountain? Yeah, that's how I feel. I feel that I've gotten to the top of the mountain. And, uh, there's more mountains: the bar, another bar, finding a job, etc.

And that's my deep thought for the day.

Short changed

Whoa.

A took our change jar (an old spaghetti sauce jar) and an old tv dinner tray's worth of change to the bank today. At first I was annoyed because I was trying to sleep and he was rattling the change around in paper sacks. Then I looked at the bank website this afternoon.

Deposit: One hundred and four dollars. And four cents.

Yes, ONE HUNDRED dollars in change. And, uh, change.

Kick! Ass! /Cartman

E. McPan asks the hard questions so you don't have to

I wish I had a long-time reader who would help me post.

I feel so...Swedish

I tried on El Poofy Hat.

I look dumb. I look as intelligent in it as the Swedish Chef sounds. Literally. Whoever thought that poofy hats made graduate students "look smart" or whatever was soooo wrong.

On a somewhat related note, apparently I have a big head. The hat size is like a 6 3/4 and I can barely keep it on my head. I wonder if I can get a bigger poofy hat. I think the "poof" part ought to be in relation to the head circumference. Just a suggestion, poofy hat makers.

I also tried on El Flowered Graduation Dress. While not as tight as the first one, the whole abundance of oxygen getting to my brain thing makes me look less hot. I guess I'll keep the bigger size. Maybe I'll get fat between now and graduation. Trust me. It could happen.

Outstanding!

Congrats, fellow St. Crispin students who passed the February bar!

The grades were released early and I got to be the first one to break the news to several. Not that it's a contest or anything. But they were presently surprised to hear my voice (for a change...usually it's never any good if I'm using the telephone)!

Plus I picked up my cap and gown today. Crazy velveteen bits everywhere. I'm not sure about the hat, though. It's one of those Strawberry Shortcake poofy hats (properly called a tam,* I believe**) and I have the feeling I will look absolutely ridiculous in it.

But to counteract the boo-hiss of the poofy hat, I see on the website that my hot graduation dress has arrived. Now I wish I hadn't eaten so much for lunch...

*A tam is what Frank Pentangeli's brother Vincenzo was wearing in court (The Godfather II). Except I wouldn't wear the funny bolo tie with the two pom-poms. Of course. I wanted to find a picture but alas, no one is interested in Vincenzo Pentangeli.

**I had something to say about tam o'shanters but I realized after a quick search that a tam o'shanter is not what I thought it was. I thought the Sherlock Holmes hat was a tam o'shanter. Turns out it's a deerstalker hat. Humph. Learn something new every day. At any rate, a deerstalker hat would be so much more awesome to wear to graduation.

Um

How exactly does one use the PMBR cds?

While driving? While following along in the outline? While working out? While doing the dishes?

I'm not much of an aural learner (please, no dirty-sounding jokes), and I only got these because they came free with my pre-paid subscription to bar hell.

Also, I am mad at PMBR in general. I got a letter saying that we had class on the same day as graduation. And the letter contained other typos. When I called to confirm that they were either a) morons b) immune to proof-reading, they were totally bitchy to me.

So is it on the same day as graduation?
No.
So it's a typo.
There's not a class on your graduation.
Well...when IS that class? I paid for the six day course.
[accusingly] Are you looking at the internet?
No. I'm looking at the letter I received from PMBR. In the mail.
There are six days. You're getting six days.
Well, according to this letter, the sixth day is during graduation.
It's not.
Could you just explain that to me?
It's a...a...mistake. That letter is wrong.
So it's a typo?
I'm just saying that PMBR will not conflict with your graduation.

Damn girl - just say it!
Sheesh.

Now you know who I was talking about when I made this complaint.

So many questions about this guy

Inquiring Minds want to know:

I'm only gonna say this once, Mom

Sometimes...I wish I had kids instead of cats.

Why? Because kids understand English and hopefully you can take them to a doctor and a kid would be responsive to "How do you feel?"

I gave the kitties some sedatives this morning in anticipation of the move (this is a test run). Thomas, the white one, went complete ape-poop. Seriously. Climbing up the walls, the third eyelid halfway covering him, going only in reverse instead of forward, biting me, staggering around, howling pitifully, rolling onto his back and acting like he was stuck that way. It was awful. I called the vet. He was in surgery. When I talked to another vet she said Thomas was fine but in the small percentage of cats that have the opposite effect when given that sedative. Yeah, no joke - duh!

I put him in the downstairs bathroom with a kitty bed, litter box, food and water, and turned off the lights. This is what the vet said to do. For like...a day.

I checked on him earlier and the place was like a rock star's hotel room. Food bowl had been turned over, kitty bed on its side, trash all over the floor. And no cat. Wait? No cat?

He had opened up a cabinet and gotten inside, kicking out all the cabinet's innards.

Damn that cat.

Misha, on the other hand, apparently has sedative immunity. He's been running around like normal, looking out windows, pestering Thomas, playing with his cat toys. Moron.

So I have a cat that's practically like allergic or whatever, and one who is utterly unaffected. This is going to be a fun move.

The vet suggested I put Thomas on the kitty equivalent of Paxil (anti-anxiety drug). Great. My cat is so high-strung he needs a daily anti-anxiety pill. Although, come to think of it, that's probably not a bad idea. That cat is high-strung.

And to top things off, the computer was out of commission until about 30 minutes ago. Crazy VPN Windows sockets blah blah whatever all that means.

I love to shred

Good thing, too, since A has told me to start shredding all the crap we've been hauling around the better part of a decade. I have every single bill I've ever paid (as a single person and as a married person). I started with those and shredded my long-defunct bank account statements from when I was 18 and didn't even have a car to get to the bank. I moved onto some defunct credit cards. Apparently I had a CitiBank card at one time?

I then shredded some gas bills, some electric bills, some old undergraduate statements, telephone bills, cell phone bills, etc.

I think I have won. The shredder (brand new since yesterday) has pooped out. I think I'm supposed to wait 4 minutes or something.

Uhhh...uh-oh. It's still not working.

Plastics.* I want plastics for graduation.

Here come the grad...

I have the graduation dress!!! Those little dots are pink flowers. It's coming in the mail. It was a real charlie foxtrot trying to get the dress but in the end, I save myself $100 because of the snafu. They are letting me hold the smaller size at the store for as long as I want, contrary to their regular 3-day policy. Otherwise I would have to pay for both and then drive another 45 minutes to return the one that didn't fit. Hopefully the one that's being shipped from a store across the state will fit just right (I feel so Goldilocks...This dress is too tight! This dress is too loose!). The one I tried on was good, but a smidge too tight. Breathing? Eh, overrated!

My best little law school bud Charlotte helped me pick it out. Wow - strapless. I feel so...um, exposed? I'm not afraid of it falling down. It's got a wicked boned bodice inside and the top has a crazy-tight (in a good, what-goes-in stays-in kind of way) fit.

Now, back to the shoes...I want to wear pink but my friends are all wearing black since the gowns are black. So many decisions...
_________________________________

People have been asking me what I want for graduation. Um...nothing? Why is "nothing" not an appropriate answer? I mean, I have two cats. That's more than enough. I have a closetful of suits. Sure, I've lost 15 pounds since I bought most of them, but hey - they cover all the important parts. Besides that, how can someone buy you an outfit? Or a briefcase? I need to choose those things for myself.

I told Soup that there ought to be registries for graduation like when people get married or have have a baby. He agreed. I mean, I registered for Ferris Bueller's Day Off and got it. Doesn't everyone register for movies when they get married?

As weird as you might think it is, Mr. and Mrs. J registered for movies too. So there.

I also registered for miniature shopping carts, but I figured it wasn't worth asking if they had registered for them too. And yes, I got miniature shopping carts.

*From The Graduate. Perhaps the best advice Benjamin could have received in that whole freaking movie. Hopefully someone will whisper the one-word key to my future at the ceremony. Cuz that would be awesome.

Patriot inAction

Now, I've heard of Patriot Day in Boston. LSC has something similar, except I've never really figured it out. We're sort of like Rio De Janeiro or something, partying at the drop of a hat. Apparently that hat was dropped or was going to be dropped a couple of weeks ago because as I was getting ready to file something, I was stopped in the hall.

Where are you going?
Courthouse.
Um...they might be closed?
What?! It's 1:30 in the afternoon!
Yeah, well, Inexplicable Day Off day is today.
What? I thought that was last week.
Well, it's really like Inexplicable Month this month. The whole month has all these things going on and stuff.
Dude. I have never heard of that.
It's true.
So what am I supposed to do?
I think it might be open. But if it is, you're going to have a heck of a time getting downtown. They've got it all roped off for a carnival.
A carnival?
Yeah - you know, rides, hot dogs.
What?
And parades and stuff.
Parades? Now you're just pulling my leg.
No, man. Seriously.

It was true. The courthouse was definitely closed.

Grudge match

I can hold a grudge like there's no tomorrow. Luckily, most of my grudges are toward grocery stores, so all y'all are probably okay. Unless you own a grocery store.

My first grocery store grudge was against Kroger. It mainly started because of the way they would pack my groceries into the bag. I always ask for paper and they act like paper bags are such a hassle. Sure, they may cost more, but if that's so freaking problematic then maybe they shouldn't offer them. At any rate, the employees must be under orders to give out as few paper bags as possible because they always pack the stuff in so tightly the bag bursts. Of course, they'll give you a separate plastic sack for every item if you want.

The first complaint was in 1999. I had multiple bags split on the way up the apartment steps. I took all the groceries that had been in the sack and stepped on the scale with them. The groceries in ONE PAPER BAG weighed nearly 20 pounds. That's like, 1/5 of my body weight. I was pissed. I wrote a letter to Kroger. About a week later, I received a personal phone call from the national headquarters and one from the local store. I also received a letter and a ton of coupons. This smoothed things over...for a while.

The final straw happened in October of 2001. I remember this because I was baking Halloween cookies for a company party. I got home and was reading the directions and noticed that the cookie dough had expired more than two weeks ago. I called the store to complain and was told that if I had the receipt, I could bring it back and they would try to find me some food that wasn't expired. The manager sounded like this was total snobbery and that I should just eat all their expired food. Needless to say for the next year or so, I chose to drive many miles out of my way to shop elsewhere.

Luckily, LSC doesn't have any Krogers. Friends from the college and work days were relieved that they wouldn't have to hear about Kroger anymore.

At first, I was pleased with LSC's grocery stores. The downside, though, is that one store practically has a monopoly. Seriously. I don't think there is another grocery store chain in the city. Wal-Mart and Target are the only food-store competitors. (Oh wait, I just realized that there is a upscale health-food-type store that is almost an hour away...but I'm not going to count that because I couldn't shop there anyway because of the distance.) I soon became dismayed at Monopoly Groceries because of a similar paper bag problem. Monopoly is stingy with their sacks and they always overload them. Usually when I request paper, I'm told that there are no sacks at that aisle. Often there are "no sacks" at any aisle. Apparently my weekly shopping exhausts their paper sack supply.

Today, though, was the final effing straw. I asked for paper. The cashier said No problem and conveyed that to the sacker-dude. I reiterated to him that I wanted paper and he got out a stack of paper bags. Content that everything would be papered, I watched the price-thingy. I looked over and to my horror, the entire cart had been done in plastic.

To cashier: I'm sorry. I thought I asked for paper.

Cashier: You did. I told him.

To sacker: I asked for paper.

Blank stare.

To sacker: Is there some reason why I didn't get paper sacks?

Blank stare.

To sacker: Look, I asked for paper and you've put all my stuff in plastic.

Sacker's response?

He starts to hand me a stack of paper bags as if it were my job to take out all the groceries and bag them myself.

It goes without saying that Monopoly is getting a letter expressing my displeasure and solemn vow not to shop there again.