I see your schwartz is as big as mine

The Barbri guy was telling us how to calculate some sort of damages (as you can see, I was paying close attention) and he said "lodestar." Which sounds a lot like "Lone Star" if a) the sound system is muffled to begin with b) you're sleepy c) you didn't do the reading beforehand. By about the third time he said, "So you take the lone star and anywhere from 2-500% of it is fine," I was about ready for a can of Perriair.

Sure, Brain, but how are we going to find chaps our size?

I'm all for self-improvement and whatnot, but...it's really hard to study when someone is practicing their Arabic alphabet 3 feet away from your ear. Loudly. Really. Hard. To. Study. Ahem.

The end is near

In less than a week, I won't have internet access at home. In a week, I won't have any furniture. In a week and a half, I won't have any place to live. No home telephone, no mailbox...just the Mazda and me.

So expect light to no posting until the bar is over. (Um, starting like in 2 weeks once I become homeless.)

Actually, maybe I ought to just say now what I wrote and saved in the drafts a long time ago.

I've had a few readers ask me if I plan on ending the blog after school or after the bar. The answer for the immediate future is No. The coupla-months-from-now answer might be Yes.

I think it will definitely depend on if and when and what kind of job I get. While I love blogging, I have noticed that not too many lawyers, with perhaps the exception of Evan at Legal Underground, have time to post. And I love posting. I don't want the blog to hang over my head like a chore or constantly wish that I had time to post. So I think some of it will depend on what type of job I get. Obviously, if the job search doesn't go well, I'm sure I'll keep blogging on.

I guess the other thing is that several students have plans to turn off the lights once they add -yer to "law" and drop the student part. I hadn't really thought about it much but it seems to be either a concern with some of my fellow students/bloggers/readers or a relief that I might have a lockout season here.

I think my main concern about keeping this place open in its current formulation is that I would have to wonder if it might give fellow lawyers a bad/wrong impression of me. But that's not too much of a concern because the weirdness is bound to come out sooner or later. I can be professional when it counts. I get the job done. I'm just not a serious person 25/8. But I can be.

And if, after the bar is over and I'm blogging again, please...don't call it a comeback. I been here for years. Well, one at least.

I think so, Brain, but burlap chafes me so

We watched Maryam the other night. It's a pretty good movie...sort of after-school special-ish, but still decent.

It's about an Iranian family living in America during the hostage crisis and the anti-Iranian sentiment they experience. There's more to it than that, but I tend to give away the ending a lot, so I'll just stop there.

You might recognize the mother in the movie from 24 and House of Sand and Fog. I thought she was from something else, too, but nothing in IMDB seems like what I'm thinking of.

I think so, Brain, but, the Rockettes? I mean, it's mostly girls, isn't it?

I don't have anything as bad as making 6 year olds pee while handcuffed to some monkey bars, but here goes my confession...which is more like 50% confessions and 50% general stuff that doesn't qualify as a confession but you probably didn't know about me.

1. I cheated on a multiplication test in the third grade. Karma, though, has been served; I am a complete idiot when it comes to math. So the moral is, don't cheat on math tests.

2. I got lost at Sesame Place (a Sesame Street theme park that went out of business a long time ago) when I was about 5 years old. I knew we were going to see the Maria show at like, 2:00 so a vendor walked me over to it. My parents, though, had been running around looking for me, and so they came to the show late, and were at the back. I was at the front. I think the whole show went on before Maria called me up onto the stage. I had some mixed feelings about that. I mean, here I am meeting MARIA from Sesame Street...in person! And she's talking about ME! Then again, I was supposed to be sad that I was lost. I probably just stood there looking like an idiot. At any rate, my parents ran up to the stage and claimed me.

3. I've only gotten one ticket, for speeding through a hospital zone.

4. I broke my arm in the fifth grade falling off a balance beam. It really, really, hurt. Because I dislocated it and popped it back into place myself, thus breaking it. So...let the pros put it back in. What's funny though, about this, is something I swear my mother said but I'm not going to repeat because a) she denies ever having said it and b) she reads this blog. I remember that I got to eat McDonald's for dinner as we waited for forever in the emergency room. So the whole night wasn't a wash, then.

5. I probably should have been arrested for this one: I was in high school and had to go to the main public library to do some homework and I took my youngest brother with me. I left him downstairs in the children's section. When I was ready to leave, I saw him on the computer terminal. "Come on...time to go!" No response. So I called his name again and he didn't move. I went up to him and put him in a sisterly kind of choke-hold and started pulling him off the stool. That's when I realized that this kid was um, not my brother but someone else's child. And, uh, his dad was watching me batter his son. It was really embarassing. About that time, my brother pops up from the picture book section and says, "Were you calling me?"

I think this is all my brain will allow me to dredge up; everything else is probably too horrific and so I have suppressed it all.

Now give my cousin some love and make some confessions of your own. I think it's good for the soul or something. And for all the soulless lawyers who read this: you're not exempt just because you might not have a soul.

Finally, my Runner's World subscription has some information I can use

"A pat on the back is only a few vertebrae removed from a kick in the pants, but is miles ahead in results." Ella Wheeler Wilcox, an American poet who, strangely, I had never heard of.

That gave me a little kick in the pants and so I packed a bag last night and hit the gym after class today. So now I've finally used some of the stuff I bought at the Nike outlet store. Verdict: The Nike dri-fit hat is way better than the Adidas dri-fit hat. I know you were all relieved to hear that.

Found

One marriage license from 7 years ago (Wow...for only $25 I got this?)

One "Marriage: The Movie" video from the preacher dude who married us that we had to watch as "homework" before he'd marry us. Don't tell him, but I think we didn't watch it. Or if we did, undoubtedly we didn't take it seriously.

One "Marriage: The Book" workbook we had to fill out. Under things he'd like me to do were listed: Learn to cook, go to grad school. I put for him: Clean his room. Underneath are all sorts of my doodle-scribblings. You can see where our priorities were seven years ago.

Anyway, so when I saw this article, I thought, was there anything I should have known then that I didn't? (Answer to self - undoubtedly so, but still...I clicked). Of course, now I wish I hadn't. It's almost stupider than this one.

Hehheheheheheh

The Wonderbra for men.

Another justification for the don't ask, don't tell policy.

And one more thing: hahahahahahahaha.

Yes, I think I'm cracking up.

Alternate names for these briefs welcome...WondeRoos, anyone?

Friday Spies ©: The you want 20 answers for #5?! edition...I sort of cheated. I only made 10 answers to #5.

Newly updated! With 10% more mint flavor!

1. What's your favorite season?

Hmm. Winter. I like winter. Except when I want to go someplace or something. But I really enjoy a nice cold winter with moderate amounts of snow.

2. Do you have a green thumb?

They might be small but they're not green, damn it! And they don't smell like cabbage!!!!! (For real, though - No. It was a hassle too, when we were selling our house. You know, you're supposed to make the house look good and smell like cookies and stuff. [I tried the whole "buy my house; it smells like cookies" thing a few times when the house was going to be shown but the only person it ever impressed was my sister in law. I think she liked it when the house was going to be shown because it meant I had cookies to give away later. Heh. I made cookies when she was here a few weeks ago and she said, "It smells like you're trying to sell the house." So, so far my house-selling smell test works. But only on her. Maybe I should reform that plan.] Since I was a serial plant-killer, we just kept buying new plants from the Home Despot.)

3. What is your favorite sport to watch? What is your favorite sport to play? Do you have a sports hero?

A: Hello - Do I even need to say it? Now you're just taunting me with the non-existent sport. /pout
B: None. Too much work and stuff.
C: My heroes have always been cowboys.

4. Which would you rather be: Mayor, Governor, Senator, or President?

Hmm. I don't really have much political ambition, but I'd like to be the First Lady of something cool. So whichever title gives me that honorific, I'm there.

5. What are ten must-own items for single men and single women?

Oh geez. This requires a) numbers b) thoughts?!

I'll give it my best shot. Quickly, though, I'm between sets of PMBR questions.

Hombres
1. A fur coat
2. A European carry-all
3. 10 brides; helpful if the 10 men are also 10 brothers

Damas
1. Mini floss packets. Because it really impresses people
2. Pink shoes

----------
I've decided to consolidate these lists. So I'm keeping the first 5 answers I had already and making a list of 5 that All Cool People should have.

1. A blog. With lots of pictures. If you're good-looking, then of yourself. If not, there's always the Friday Cat Blog.
2. Cheetos. Dude, even Saddam loves them. Although, I strongly suggest Cheetos in moderation. In college I received TWO BIG bags of Cheetos from my roommate for my birthday and I ate them. All. In one weekend. I have only recently begun to trust myself with Cheetos again.
3. An iPod (duh).
4. Spray gel. Honestly, the best stuff since...at least since, uh...spray-on tans.
5. Cable, for crying out loud. You gotta have cable.
-----------

Okay, so maybe I didn't really put my best effort into the 20 freaking answers. But I got 5! Which is 5/20 = 25%. Okay, so that's not really enough to pass the bar with, but I'll have to come back to these answers later. I'm sort of supposed to be going to class and stuff.

Play that funky music till you die

Milbarge says I have to do this meme. Because resistence is futile. Or my hair might fall out. Something along those lines, I think. I didn't really read all the fine print accompanying it. But since I could definitely use help on this blog, his wish is my command.

1. What is the total volume of music you own?
Um, a lot? I probably think it is a lot, but after reading other people's blogs, our collection is probably quite paltry. Actually, most of it is my husband's. But right now I have a well over 800 songs on my iPod Mini. And three PMBR CDs. Which I never listen to.







We own quite a few records and bought a new record player a couple of years ago.




More interesting than a bunch of records and CDs you can't even see are some framed records. A sort of collects Rite of Spring covers and we've seen a few of these paintings in museums, the last in France last year. Apologies for the crappy photography but I'm sort of a moron on the loose when it comes to cameras.



2. What's the last CD you bought?
Hmm. For myself probably Kill Bill 2. I've bought a few CDs as gifts and suggested a few to the husband that he later bought. But with my own hands, the last CD purchased was Kill Bill 2.

3. What song is playing right now?
I just opened up the iPod and looked. It claims I was last listening to Ain't That Lonely Yet by Dwight Yoakum.

4. What 5 songs do I listen to a lot?
First of all, I must argue with the phrasing of this question. The first three are directed from you to me and this one is either meant to be the same yet strangely phrased at myself....OR you're actually asking me to guess what 5 songs YOU listen to, which seems like a really impossible task. So, I'm going to assume I'm asking myself questions. Therefore, to keep myself happy, probably the most frequently listened to songs as of late are, in no particular order:

1. I Fought the Law (Green Day)
2. Island in the Sun (Weezer, live version)
3. I Want You to Want Me (Dwight Yoakum covering Cheap Trick)
4. Para Los Rumberos (Tito Puente)
5. Whatcha Gonna Do With a Cowboy (Chris LeDoux)

For extra credit: I don't listen to it a lot but Elgar's Enigma Variations IX (Nimrod) is one of my favorite pieces ever. I've always wondered about its use in the movie Elizabeth (when she goes to meet Dudley and he's expecting to have his head put on a pike and she says she's going to keep him around to remind herself of how close she came to death) because the Variations symbolize friendship and respect (IX is often played in Europe for, um, state funerals and such). Based on that background, I've always sort of wondered if there was any special hidden meaning to its use in Elizabeth (Was Elizabeth still in love with Dudley? Could she not bear to have him killed? Why did she really leave him alive?! Was the use of Nimrod there intentional or coincidental? So many questions...).

5. What 5 people will I pose these questions to?
(Prior complaint regarding the phrasing of Question 4 applies here also.) Do you/I mean "What not-bitter and/or not-jealous people could I pose these questions to?" Actually, I don't believe in passing on memes and prefer to let them die out with me. I'm not against answering them per se, but I am against unloading them on unsuspecting folks (What's that term from Spies Like Us, Obligated Involuntary Officers?). Of course, please feel free to voluntarily assume the burden of answering such meme.

Friday Cat Blogging

The word of the day is....

PARIMUTUEL:

1. A system of betting on races whereby the winners divide the total amount bet, after deducting management expenses, in proportion to the sums they have wagered individually.
2. A machine that records such bets and computes the payoffs.

As seen in Question 128 of PMBR's Con Law questions!

So, um, every time you hear PARIMUTUEL today, I think you're supposed to scream or something. Can't really recall all the particulars of the Playhouse rules.

Where everybody knows your name

I think I've discovered the secret behind PMBR - all the writers are former bartenders.

Honestly, I think I've learned how to mix more drinks in 50 questions than in nearly 30 years. Sheesh. I don't really know why it's necessary to state why Defendant had a [insert cocktail here] (now detailed instructions on exactly how to make said cocktail) before they went and did whatever it is Plaintiff is suing over.

Weird.

These questions are making me THIRSTY!

These QUESTIONS are making me thirsty?

These questions are making ME thirsty.

Suh-weet!

We have a friend whose sister is a Raptor pilot. No, actually, I think she's a Superhornet pilot. Well, whichever. Kick ass! /Cartman

What military aircraft are you? F/A-22 Raptor You are an F/A-22. You are technologically inclined, and though you've never been tested in combat, your very name is feared. You like noise, but prefer not to pollute any more than you have to. And you can move with the best.

Click Here to Take This Quiz Brought to you by YouThink.com quizzes and personality tests.

Via Brian

Update: I did have a quibble over question 13 (What type of government is most effective? Choices: Communism, Fascism, "Pure" Democracy). Um, most effective at what?

Band camp update

As Mr. O and I were leaving the law library (I sold him my breadmaker...still owe him some change for that), we could hear the band camp rehearsals going on.

Mr. O: You missed the flag corps again.
Me: What? You went out to watch the flags? You should have gotten me!
Mr. O: I can see them from where I sit in the carrels. But the weird thing is...they're all guys.

At that point I suspected that there was a local Drum & Bugle Corps in the area and did some research. Yep. There is. Mystery solved.

Good work, Nancy Drew!

Why is it that I never find out good stuff until we're about to move? Like the new shortcut to/from school? Well, so far only to school. I tried using it on the way home the other day and got completely lost. Well, not lost. I mean, I turned the wrong way and there was no place to turn around for a couple of miles. But I got a handle on it now...I think.

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

Sooooo, you may recall that I got a fingernailful of gum the other day after placing my hand under my carrel's desktop edge. At least I could go to the bathroom and wash it off.

Today Mr. O let his hand wander to the nether regions of the classroom desktop and got a handful of someone's gum. Ewww. I caught him trying to de-stick it onto other surfaces, since he couldn't leave the lecture. He leaned over and reported to me that it smelled like wintermint flavor. EWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, for the love of McPan, please don't stick your gum on stuff anymore. It's disgusting!

All study and no play makes E. a dull girl

Yeah. I got nothing.

Heh

Band camp at St. Crispin's has started. I heard the percussion section going through cadences when I was talking on the phone with some lady who's supposed to help me find a place to live.

Mr. O just informed me he's spotted the flag corp.

Band camp. Hahahahahhaaha.

Just click your heels together three times and think, "There's no place like graduation"

Well, here they are. The hyped-up pink shoes from graduation. I was sort of hoping for lots of pink clothes for graduation. Because when else will I wear these shoes?!?! Sorry this picture is so small. I may be able to make it a little bit bigger when I've got my trusty ol' laptop connected to the internet(s). This Mac thing is still throwing me for a loop. My life was so much better when "mac" was automatically followed by "and cheese."

I was originally going to put the whole picture up (See E. shake hands with some important school figurehead while receiving a diploma!) but then thought that might be sort of dopey. My family's already seen it. I mean, really...how much do any of you care? See, that's what I thought.

Carry on.

Friday Cat Blogging

Honestly, while Misha may be a misbehaved cat, he's not that scary. He just happened to be mid-yawn when I took the picture.

Friday Spies ©

1. Which relationship will last longer, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie ("Brangelina"), or Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes ("TomKat")?

Honestly, I couldn't care less, but I am guessing Tom & Katie because I recently read that she is digging Scientology. So once he has successfully brainwashed her and stuff, I figure they will stay together. Nicole Kidman never bought into that Scientology jazz, and that probably was a sore spot between them.

Update: I am totally right. Tom Cruise proposed to Katie Holmes last night at the Eiffel Tower. If anyone's seen the post-proposal press conference footage, look at the bottom right hand corner. Was that Dakota Fanning? At his engagement proposal? In Paris? In the middle of the night? Can anyone say publicity stunt?!

2. Less importantly, which will have nuclear bombs first, North Korea or Iran?

Um, don't they both have nuclear somethings?

3. What is your dream car?

Well, to start with, I'd like a retrostyled Mustang GT convertible. Then I'd like to move onto a smaller convertible, like the BMW Z3. Except, um, they've moved onto the Z4. The Jaguar XKR is pretty sweet but looks kind of dopey when it's got the lid on; better as a convertible. As far as non-convertibles go, I think the new Mazda RX-8 Shinka Edition (satellite radio, TP!) looks fun. Even though I swore I would never get another Mazda. But come on...who doesn't love a wankel rotary engine? Yeah...I'd probably hate it within three months.

4. What book have you read the most times?

Hmm. That one is hard. I read the Contracts supplement quite a few times, but not for pleasure. I don't really reread books much. I did a lot as a kid. Lots of The Happy Hollisters (a children's mystery series), Nancy Drew, etc. I also had these great educational magazines called Zoobooks. But as an adult, I guess I figure there are so many books I haven't read yet I can't waste a ton of time rereading ones I've already read. I'm sort of like Ebert that way. The only books I can distinctly remember rereading as an adult are Oldest Living Confederate Widow Tells All, The Fool's Progress, and The Great Gatsby.

5. Are you a matchmaker? (I.e., could you work for yenta.com if this whole "law" thing doesn't work out?)

Fine, I admit to being a yenta when it comes to my friends, especially Charlotte. However, it's because she needs someone grounded to look after her. Trust me. Otherwise, she'd probably be in some prison in Thailand or something. Okay, that was completely irrelevant, but I somehow wanted to mention this movie, even though I've never seen it and have absolutely no desire to, especially because of the idiotic and hard-to-say name.

To answer the question: Yes, except not a successful one, but through no fault of my own. My friends tend to ignore my advice, which not only hurts them but ME because I have to listen to them complain about the same old same old. Which, if they would ever listen to my advice, they would either have a) nothing to complain about or b) something new to complain about. Either would be a welcome change. I think that if anyone did take my advice, they would probably be at least 85% satisfied. And for an amateur, I figure that is a pretty good percentage.

Oh no you di'nt!!!

SOMEONE stuck a piece of friggin' gum under my carrel desktop.

How do I know? I grabbed under the ledge to pull my chair closer to the desk and got a fingernail-full.

Excuse me while I vomit and then chop off my left hand.

Out with the old, in with the new

Well, I finally got my new lucky earplugs. These were the only ones on a string. Trust me, you want me to have the string. The original store apparently doesn't sell the old kind anymore.



Sorry for the busy background.

Woof

We were watching the Property video in BarBri the other day and I swear to you, there was a single faint dog bark at one point. I know I'm not the only one, because Mr. O and I looked at each other and I said, "Was that a...dog?"

Weird.

Funny of the day

Be sure to have the sound turned on when you go here.

Via Kurtie, who apparently challenged me to fight his cats? Obviously, this is one of those times where "pick your battles" comes in handy. I'm pretty sure that whatever it is, I don't want to get involved.

Mutiny!

I sauntered back to my carrel after lunch yesterday to find a single Jolly Rancher displayed prominently upon the desktop. And by prominently, I mean, smack in the middle, upon a makeshift altar of stickynote cubes.

Flavor?


Banana-Pineapple.


EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW. As if Banana itself wasn't disgusting enough.

I found the culprit (who shall at the moment remain nameless). Sadly, that Jolly Rancher was taken out of my candy jar. So it was my own disgusting candy. Not that I eat any of it. Now you can be assured I never will. Blech!

A eulogy

Ahhhhhh, failure.

Someone commented that my lucky earplugs are probably germ-ridden, disgusting foam bits now - what, after three years of rolling them up with my grubby little fingers and then stuffing them into my ears where they whisper the answers to my law school exams.

So I cleaned them. With rubbing alcohol.

And then wept as their ability to be rolled up into a point by my oh-so-dirty fingers and then magically reexpand in my ear canals dissolved.

RIP, old friends. If I fail the bar now, you'll know why.

Weekend entertainment

There was nothing on tv Saturday night and so I got stuck watching the first 30 minutes of First Knight, with Richard Gere and Sean Connery. Quite honestly, it was one of the worst movies I've ever seen. The acting was completely awful and the story even more so, if possible. I kept watching, hoping that it would turn out to be some kind of weird comedy or something, but I'm pretty sure they meant it to be serious. I gave up when Guinevere met Arthur, who was old enough to be her grandfather. Ewwww. No wonder in the stories she had a thing for ol' Lancelot.

I also saw the ending of Gladiator on tv. I never watched the movie before, so I didn't have much of an idea of what was going on except Russell Crowe killed the Emperor. Or something. Who was Joaquin Phoenix.

And speaking of Joaquin Phoenix, you should see Buffalo Soldiers. I can't even begin to describe it. It's too...weird. And besides the too-fake-looking (some fake is okay; bad fake is awful) special effects at the very end, a good movie.

Besides that, I did a ton of questions and have decidedly regressed in the area of contracts. Not that that's a surprise to me. I also now wish I had taken the federal income tax class because words like "realization" and "capital gain" have absolutely no meaning to me. I'm sure once I finish the tax reading that I will also wish I had taken trusts as well. Oh well.

Scary

Last week, I went outside to visit with A's grandfather, who was sitting on the porch in the early morning.

He said he had been watching this creature on the fence but couldn't remember the name of it. I took a closer look.



I'll be dogged if it wasn't a possum (I'm going to omit the "o" because really...is it necessary?). Fully loaded, with all those baby possums on its back.

Wow.

After I snapped this photo (as you can see, Mama Possum wasn't too happy with me stepping off the porch for a better shot), she waddled off, right on the top of the fence. I have no idea how she even a) climbed the fence b) managed to walk on it, seeing how skinny the boards are. She continued all the way down our neighbor's fence too, then I couldn't see her anymore.

The Spirit of Bar Prep

Sooooooooo...maybe wasting an hour on Mail Call last night wasn't a smart thing to do.

BUT, it was a show about the B-2. Honestly, could I not watch?

One time, at band practice in college, we looked up and saw a B-2 overhead. That was a weird sight. It was very, very quiet and just sort of circled the field a couple of times. Then it flew off. Weird. And no, I didn't go to college anywhere near Whiteman AFB.

For those of you with lives or something, the B-2 is the "batwing" bomber. You know, the black one that looks like a giant wing. Still doesn't ring a bell? Okay, it is practically invisible to radar. And it looks like a UFO. Surely by now you're familiar.

The preflight stuff was pretty interesting. They have an awesome simulator. They showed the gunny how to do the proper breathing technique in high Gs so he doesn't pass out. On an aside, one of A's college professors was a fighter pilot among many, many other things, and we saw a video of him in the G simulator doing the anti-G breathing and then pass out. When he woke up, he said in his funny little voice, "Goddamn!" (Sorry Mom) He also told us about this dream he had in the split second that he was passed out (he later went on to do dream research...it's complicated): He was at H-E-B, a grocery store in Texas, and there was something about ice cream and Dr. Pepper involved. It was hilarious. Back to the show - We also saw a demonstration on getting out of a tree if you have to punch out and you end up tangled up in the trees. There's a little rapelling-type rope that's in the suspender pocket of the parachute.

Eventually, the gunny got to take a ride in one and they even did a mid-air refueling. Then some show came on about how the Germans were like, days away from dropping a nuclear bomb on the US when we dropped the bomb(s) on Japan. It sounded like a crackpot show (like the people who don't believe we went to the moon and have devoted their entire lives in the desert to disproving the moon landing), so I went upstairs and watched Cops. That's right, I didn't read or do questions for bar prep. I watched COPS.

There was a guy in Nashville who was wearing a skirt and no underpants and had been flashing people on the highway and brandishing a knife. Eventually they told him to go back to his motel room and they took his knife. As he was bending over to collect his stuff which had been strewn about the sidewalk, he bent over at the waist, thereby mooning the entire highway. The lady cop gave him a lesson on how to bend over wearing a skirt. "Look, if you're gonna wear a skirt, you gotta bend your knees to pick stuff up. See, that's why people were calling in on you. You gotta bend your knees. Yeah, just like that!"

O. Henry

This orange cat is/was Henry. We had to put him to sleep my first year, right before exams. It sucked. He was a good cat. You can't see it much in this picture but he had a really distinctive nose bridge that looked like a lion.

He was this old geezer cat that we had been feeding when we lived in Dallas. We also had a drippy water faucet in the backyard and he would drink out of it. A finally fixed the faucet and "that orange cat" watched the whole time. Afterwards, we felt terrible because he would come over for a drink and there wouldn't be any water.

We were in LSC, looking for a place to live, eating at some tourist joint and I looked at A and said, "I think we have to adopt that orange cat." He agreed. "I think his name is Henry." He had been thinking the same thing (albeit another Henry), and so we knew we had to take that cat with us.

At any rate, both the Henrys we were thinking of were just this cat's type: vagrant, funny, well-meaning, hapless, and sweet. He was old. And when I say old I mean we got that cat a thyroidectomy because he was hyperthyroid. Hey, it was better than the thyroid pills we had to give him twice a day. Though he looked pretty wicked with a shaved throat and a giant scar across it.

Friday Spies ©

1. What is the earliest movie you remember watching in the theater?

Star Wars, I think. Return of the Jedi. Surely I saw movies before that, but I just can't actually remember seeing them. If not Jedi, then this movie is the first one I have definite memories of seeing in the theater. I recall it being really scary back then. My fear of pirates and getting my hand put in a blender has never subsided. I think my fear of Asians bearing gadgets was developed at that point.

2. If you could strike one word from the English language, which word would you choose and why?

I'm assuming "words" such as "preventative" and "irregardless" don't count. Because they're not words. For the moment, though, I'm going to pick the phrase "rule against perpetuities." Subject to change without notice.

3. If you were a superhero, what would be your kryptonite?

Hello Kitty merchandise. Which must mean I'm a superheroine right now? Because I always get suckered into it.

4. Would you rather win an Emmy, Grammy, Tony, Golden Globe, Oscar, Pulitzer, or Noble Nobel Prize? What work would you win it for?

This one is tough. The Nobel and Pulitizer Prizes come with money but the others probably come with prestige. And getting a good table at a fancy restaurant is probably easier with an Oscar. Then again, I've never been to Switzerland. So I guess the Nobel Prize then. It would make Mother McPan very proud. And since the only thing I do that remotely resembles any of the categories is blog, I'm taking the Nobel Prize for Literature. Take that and rewind it back!

5. What is your catch phrase? Don't have one? Then make one up!

Is "air guitar" [the sound] a catch phrase? Good. That's mine.

Gosh! How'm I supposed to frickin' know this?

One of tonight's property questions involved this word:

Macadamized

I really don't believe I can honestly count that as a question I got wrong, because it was the operative word in the question and therefore I had no idea of what it was really asking. Actually, I'm pretty sure the reason I got it wrong didn't have anything to do with not knowing the word. It's more of a lack of property law than vocabulary that gets me.

Big Mac attack

We got our first at-home Mac.

So far I am underwhelmed. Mainly because Safari doesn't support the rich text formatting, and I am too dumb to do hyperlinks myself without the cheater button. So the mildly not-boring post I had planned for tonight will have to wait until I haul the laptop back to school or whatever. In the meantime, don't expect fancy-pants posts.

Scratch that - don't expect fancy pants posts even when I figure it out or something. This blog has been sucking lately. But I refuse to apologize. Nothing worse than going to someone's blog and reading about how much it sucks. Because duh, you already knew that. And if you knew where I lived, you'd probably do a blog-intervention. Because you care.

PS - this keyboard sucks. And so does attempting deeply-ingrained Windows shortcuts. I have accidentally vaporized like the last 10 things I have tried to do.

PPS - Sheesh. This post sucks even more than it did earlier.

Random but hilarious

To me, anyway

Dear St. Crispin's

I graduated 3 weeks ago. You guys could calculate who was #1 in my class two days before the ceremony, so what's holding up the rest of the rankings? I'm not that far down...am I?

Yours truly,
E. McPan

I'm a mog, half man half dog! I'm my own best friend.

You know that scene in Spaceballs where Lone Star tells the princess that she can only take what luggage she needs to survive and in the next scene he's hauling her 12-piece set through the desert?

Right. So.....I was tired of carrying the same old boring tweed purse I usually do and so I went got a little straw purse with embroidered flowers on the sides. Except, uh, I can't fit everything in it. Somehow it's got less cubic space (although I swear it looked the same. Then again, I have no sense of spatial stuff) and so I spent 10 minutes trying to figure out what all I need to survive.

In the wallet
IDs - yes. Put those in the "take" pile.
Checkbook - probably useful
Credit card(s) - most definitely. At least 1 and 1 extra.
ATM card - yes.
Cash - if present, yes.
Cell phone - yes
Ipod - of course

I had a harder decision with things like Sams cards and video store cards because it's not like I need them every day or even every month, but when I do need them, I don't want to go all the way home to get them.

Then I have things like my business card holder, which I technically don't need but having cards that don't have bent edges or bored-time-doodles on them has actually has come in useful on a few random occasions. Plus it's extra extra shiny and if I get stuck on a deserted island, I can use it to signal a plane.

Also necessary - one small pill box and 1 small hand sanitizer.

Now it comes down to makeup, which I carry but rarely use. However, I only carry emergency stuff, like 1 tube of concealer, 1 teeny tiny sample-size lipgloss, and chapstick (not makeup or an emergency but fits most closely in this category).

Oh, and a pen to write checks with.

I think that about covers it.

In list form, it seems kind of long. But the purse is really small. (I don't have the camera this week but when I get it, compare and contrast pictures to come.) So it looks petite but trust me, it feels like I'm packing around two or three bricks. Oh well, I can always throw it at a mugger, I guess. If my arm is strong enough, that is.

There's always an exception to the rule

Normally I automatically trash forwarded email. But since this one came from my mother who flew around the world to get me, I made an exception and read it. (Also, conveniently, Outlook tends to detach all attachments, making it impossible for me to read forwarded emails. But since I've gone to Gmail in anticipation of the move, I'm actually seeing forwarded texts.)

Second, because I don't want to be stripped of my memekiller status, I won't forward these moderately funny bits onto anyone, but will rather republish them here, minus the >>>>>>>>>>>>>s that always accompany forwarded emails.

So this one was sort of funny, until the last line. I am wondering if the stress of Empty Nest Syndrome is getting to my mom.

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

And this one is funny because I always want to make the coffee but A insists on doing it himself. The background of that is that I used to make the coffee ridiculously weak or strong enough to kill an elephant. Part of that was this wacko burr grinder we had. It was hard to get a good, even grind. Then it started going crazy and not always stopping when you lifted up on the button, giving you espresso grind by the time you yanked the cord out of the wall. Eventually it got to the point where you practically had to stomp on the button to get it going and then you had the it-won't-stop problem when you were done.* I asked for a nice grinder a couple of years ago for Christmas. I think it was the only thing I asked for. I got it. And ever since, I have probably only brewed like 3 really bad batches of coffee.

So anyway, that's why I thought this was good for a smile:

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

Wife: You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.

Husband: You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.

Wife: No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.

Husband: I can't believe that, show me.

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says..........HEBREWS

*You'd think we'd have gotten rid of the schizo grinder. But of course, we still have it. It's just been demoted to decaf grinding, which is rare. Because decaf is not so tasty.

Times I need a camera phone

Remember the much-talked-about lunch thief at St. Crispin's? Apparently s/he is either taking summer school, BarBri or just hangs out on campus because s/he's at it again. I know of two separate people who had their lunch stolen last week. Mr. O also informs me that his lunch was stolen last week. So make that three stolen lunches.

Someone put a sign on the fridge door warning the thief that they were now adding laxatives to certain items in their lunch and dared them to steal another lunch. (Everyone except like me and three other people bring their lunch in a plastic grocery sack so it's practically impossible to tell them apart.) My only concern would be that I would accidentally grab the tainted lunch and eat it. Or that I would put laxatives in my own lunch, forget about it, and eat it.

Yes, I think I'm going to go back to bringing frozen food for lunch. Less chance I will eat laxatives on accident. I hope, anyway.

Back to the future

This photo is proof that there is nothing new under the sun. Check out this picture, direct from brother and fellow blogger HearseDriver. He guesstimates that this picture is around 1980, which is probably right. I mean, that was around the last time I was taller than a big-screen tv.

Hearse made some vague threat about me posting this on the blog. The "or else" was unspoken but well understood. After all, he used to put me and my brothers in the 40 gallon yard trash can and put the lid on us. Strangely, at the time, we loved it. This brings up an odd memory of my younger brother trying to do the same thing in a tall barrel meant for toys and getting his butt stuck in it (he was going to go in butt-first...or maybe he was sitting on the top of the open barrel and fell in...I can't exactly recall).

What was my point again? Oh yeah. Check out that knit poncho/capelet/whatever they're called. I was pretty fashionable back in the day. And textured tights came back just a few years ago. Hopefully the day of burnt orange carpet is over, though.


Because you were wondering, I have since grown arms. This picture is actually kind of scary in that it looks like I don't have arms.

The magic bullet theory

I flew to Dallas this weekend for a graduation and I drove past a billboard (well, technically, more like I was chauffered past it since I was not actually operating the vehicle) for some local lawyer.

This is what it said:

Drink and Drive.
Go to Jail.
Another Government Lie.

Weird. I mean, really, that's weird. I'm not exactly sure that qualifies as a lie. Possible consequence you might avoid if you hire me might be more what she's trying to say.

Hmm, what does dictionary.com have to say about "lie?"

1. A false statement deliberately presented as being true; a falsehood.
2. Something meant to deceive or give a wrong impression.

I'm not sure that "committing a crime punishable by confinement in the state of Texas but getting away with it" is necessarily a "government lie." I don't know, that billboard just bothers me.

In unrelated news, I think I'm allergic to Dallas. Dang old stuffy nose and sneezing.

Who's calling, please?

I was IMing with re-connected-to-the-internets Milbarge and was spilling the beans on my embarassing .wav computer noises (trust me, if you heard them in class, you'd turn around and Nelson Muntz-laugh at me...if it weren't my computer, I would do the same thing) that I have put in for basic tasks like new email or starting windows, etc.

So then Milly asked me if I have separate ringtones for all my friends. The simple answer is no. The long answer is that my phone doesn't support downloadables. It doesn't have a camera. It has games that don't make sense other than Snake. It has a crappy phone book system. Technically, I could set certain people to ring as certain songs but the selection is weak. Christmas tunes, Take Me Out to the Ballgame, La Traviata, etc. So I don't do it because it's just too complicated.

Anyhoo, it got onto the topic of what ringtones I would use for other bloggers. And I thought that was would be good post material that would (hopefully) require minimal thought but then it turned out to be harder than it originally appeared. Therefore, while I am gone away on a jet plane this weekend, your assignment is to tell me what your ring tone would be. If like, I had your number. And like, you called me.

PS - it doesn't have to be a ring tone restricted to songs. You may choose a short movie clip or something similar as well. Ex: my friend Charlotte picked out the beginning music to ER for me on her phone. Not that I often call either in an emergency or from an emergency room. I think her parents ring as the Law & Order theme. Weird. And complicated.

Uniformed services

Since I got the job (as memekiller...thanks, Janine!), I picked up a new outfit to wear to work.

Actually, that's a lie. I got this back in January in anticipation of the Rufus-Hot Librarian wedding. You know, before he decided to marry someone else.



At least now I'll get some use out of the new duds.

Friday Cat Blogging

Things I did over the 3 day weekend

Attended a baseball game
While away for like, only 7 minutes, to go potty and buy some drinks, the other team doubled the score. Crap. By the time we left (beginning of the 8th), we had blown a bases loaded, no outs situation. Well, we scored like one run. But still...ridiculous.

Ate a hot dog for "America" as a friend suggested I do
It was free. The hot dog itself was pretty good but too short for the bun, thus resulting in a grade of B+.

Finished reading the mega con-law outline for BarBri
Sheesh. Only took me like 4 days. Good thing this was a three day weekend.

Watched the beginning of Pretty Woman on tv before thinking, I don't even like this movie.
Bad wigs + prostitutes who floss + Jason Alexander = ?

Ate a hamburger, also for America
Plus I ate another hamburger just for myself. It was the "lady's special." Honestly, I don't know why it's a "lady's" burger. It's mustard, lettuce, pickles, and onions. Dude. That just sounds like a burger to me. "Lady's burger" would be something like cucumbers and stuff. Cream cheese. Something. My other option was to go for the Gusto Greasy (impliedly the "Man's burger") but I was afraid of ordering it and not being able to finish it and being Nelson Muntz laughed out of the joint. The sad part is that I polished off the Girly Burger and even ate someone else's fries. I ate the same burger a year ago (obviously pre-diet days) and didn't even finish it. Or the fries I got. This time, I was disappointed in the fact that I had conquered the Girly Burger. I should have just gone for the Gusto Greasy.

Tried a new Vietnamese restaurant
Verdict: tasty but they really need a size between "small noodle bowl" (miniscule) and "large noodle bowl" (big enough to bathe a 4-month-old baby in). I had my first "bubble tea." I was horrified when I learned that the "bubbles" were made of tapioca. Ewwwwwwww.

Experienced dental hygenist malpractice
First of all, I don't like to be late. I don't even like to be "on time." "On time" = "late" in my book. So I arrived at the dentist's 15 minutes early. 30 minutes later, I am reading the Avon catalog in excruciating detail, even the plus-sized sleepwear section.

The hygenist is not my normal lady. It's a guy who talks like a cross between Mr. Rogers and Counselor Mackey. Seriously. He explained every instrument, including the suction thingamajig in great detail. He also explained that the light was wobbly, that the chair turned all the way around, the x-ray machine was also wobbly, and if the clip-on napkin thing moved, I was free to move it back into place. Ugh. The teeth cleaning and 2 x-rays took 50 minutes. It was ridiculous.
"You have very clean teeth, hardly any tartar at all." (This is not unusual. I hear it every 6 months.) So why is Hygenist Mackey scraping my teeth like he's carving a new Mt. Rushmore in them? Either I had the most thorough cleaning of MY LIFE or he committed some type of malpractice on me. "So, how far away do you live?" Meanwhile, he is crashing around in my mouth so loudly it sounds like a bull in a china shop. For the third time he tells me where HE lives. "Don't you love it when you ask someone a question knowing they can't answer it?" Finally, I get to say something. "In fact, yes. I believe it's every lawyer's dream." At which point he shuts up...for like 3 seconds.

Uh

A reader pointed out that my blog-birthday was actually not yesterday but in fact today.

So, here's to The Neutral Zone Trap. Again.

Sheesh.

I even got a watch with the date on it for graduation to try and avoid these kinds of embarassing screw-ups. The worst part is that I forwarded the date on my watch yesterday, thinking there was only 30 days in May. See...should have gone with the knuckles and not the rhyme.

Happy blog-birthday to meeeeee, happy blog-birthday to me

It's that time, people. Time to shower my blog with gifts and cake. "Adult" beverages also welcome.



I can't believe it's been a year. It feels like 10. No, wait, I'm thinking of marriage.

As you can see, I'm kicking off Year Two with a new template. I'm not entirely sure I love it yet (as opposed to the instant argyle love) but I wanted something lighter for the moment. There was a similar one I tried to use with more pastel-ish stripes but it got all crazy on me.

Plus the whole BarBri excuse. Until August, my excuse for why things don't get done is BarBri. And then from December to March, I'll use it again. Hopefully for the last time. Dang. I sure hope so.