Whoo hoo whoo hoo hoo

Mimosas at midnight! And maybe mimosas for breakfast if I fall asleep before the end of my champagne...

I wish I had a wife to cook me a nice greasy breakfast in about 9 hours.

Also, I might be NDMimosas right now. Whoo hoo whoo hoo hoo!

McPannus annus 2006us

Yes, I'm back to do some shameless self-promoting. Here are a few high/low lights of 2006. And if you're like me (alone on New Year's Eve, except that bottle of Moet & Chandon White Star [bonus: I upgraded to the big bottle this year!]), you may even want to read my 2005 wrap up!

January

• Next, I eat the banana!
• Mail call: I get a new mail girl
• Part 2: Psychic connection
• Part 3: She wants her two dollars!
  

February

• I lay claim to Geena Davis
• I get a job at the Law Offices of E. Edward Grey

March
Hmm. Apparently, March sucked.

April

• The extreme blog makeover: Katrina edition
• I want my two dollars!
• SCATUS
• Close encounters with the president
  

May

• Witness protection program: Cats now included
• Yes, I really am a lawyer. Exhibit A: bad law jokes

June

• The NZT turns two!
• Mrs. McPan-Cup?
• The welcome wagon turns back

July

• The wecome wagon comes back!

August

• I want my two hundred dollars!
• Thomas gets Prognosis Negative
  

September

• The perks of CLE: fancy toilet paper
• Thomas goes to Kitty Heaven
• Tess comes to Ft. McPan

October

• Tess's first Friday Cat Blogging
• Oh poop.

November

• Holiday advice
• We can't take this book back. It's been flagged.

December

• Wanted: A wife
• I beat Milbarge (again - ha!) in Christmas card volume.
• A tail of two kitties

-------------------
I would write more, but I've got to go to the grocery store before they close. I need ramen. And maybe fireworks.

Happy New Year!

Another one rides the bus

MT announces her retirement. Perhaps I should send a Tempur-Pedic pillow her way as recognition of all her hard work.

Nooooobody expects the page-a-day!

YES!!!! CBK will be so jealous!

I got a Monty Python page-a-day calendar!

It promises "[s]ignificant events, classic bits, and totally useless trivia." But wait, there's more! It will feed my "boundless Python appetite--and annoy your friends and neighbors." Yes, that calendar is just what I need. Now I just need some friends to annoy.

Friday Cat Blogging: Stormy Weather

Luckily, Tess is keeping an eye out for any freak natural occurrences, like a tornado or something.

Talking in my sleep...maybe

When I got home from work, I checked my caller ID and discovered that someone called me this morning at 1:30. I have absolutely no recollection of the phone ringing, and I'm usually bothered by those kinds of things. Perhaps I really ought to take the pillow out for an airing. I wonder if I had a conversation with the person who called. Because that would be really weird. Also, I hope I didn't tell them I had a blog, because I would be embarrassed now to know that they were reading this.

Sleeping with the enemy

I got a Tempur-Pedic pillow for Christmas, which is one of those things you always kind of want but never want to buy for yourself because if it sucked, you'd be pissed off that you just spent $100 on a pillow, and it's not like you can really take it back.

Anyway, so the pillow...I like it because it's sort of mush-ably firm. I think it really has improved my sleep because I started having more vivid and complex dreams every night. Unfortunately, those dreams started to get really super weird. You know, the kind of complex dreams that make you tired when you wake up. So now I wonder if I should just go back to suffering on a $5 pillow from Target, where I get a lower quality of sleep, but somewhat less-bizarre dreams.

Perhaps Moral Turpitude is onto something with her heated mattress pad/dreams theory.

I'm not a witch - I'm your wife!

This morning I discovered that I hadn't run the dishwasher before I left like I thought I had, meaning I didn't have any bowls for cereal (or for ramen tonight). I remembered this because the sink was full of the tupperware bowls I've been using. I discovered I had one more, so I poured in as much cereal as would fit. And then? Only a trickle of milk!

The last time I had my cat-sitter cat-sit, I came home to a newly vaccuumed and freshly dish-washed house. Nice! She also left a bag of kitty treats and a little bell for them to play with. This time she didn't wash my dishes (although she does wash the cats' dishes), but she left two toys. I guess one is a catnip sachet, although I can't tell. The other is a long ribbon stick with a feather on the end of it. The cats have gone nuts over it. She also leaves little cat report cards, filling me in on whether my cats gave "hisses" or "kisses." She gave them both "kisses" on their report card. She's such a good cat-sitter. If only she had washed my dishes, I might have proposed to her. Who couldn't use a wife like that?!

Airplane!

Right before the plane took off, the unaccompanied minor sitting in seat A (I was in C, some weird lady was in B) leaned over and said, "Um, my stomach feels bad." Finally - an excuse for me to ring the stewardess button. He got a big garbage sack. Eww.

Friday Cat Blogging: A Tail of Two Kitties

Ouch

Bad: I was at a mall the other day when I leaned forward to inspect a jewelry case through the store's plate glass wall. I guess I leaned in a little too far because I completely bonked my head against the glass. It's nice to know my head is very solid and makes a nice boiiinnng noise when making contact with a window.

Worse: I heard people laughing. I couldn't really blame them because I would totally laugh too.

Even worse: there was a little oily smudge where my forehead had hit, which compounded my embarrassment. As if I weren't already self-conscious enough about bonking my head against a window, now everyone knows I have oily skin. Don't worry, though - I bought (more) blotting papers today, although I never get around to using them.

The very worst: I decided to enter the store anyway and what I was looking at wasn't even what I wanted.

And now my head hurts. I hope it doesn't bruise because when asked about it I would be forced to admit that I was in the local Fight Club and then proceed to punch the person and run away.

Little shop of horrors

I am tired of shopping.

I finally got something for my boss. She gave me my gift today so I felt kind of dumb. Anyway, she likes to cook, so I went to Williams-Sonoma. I left the mall and was almost home when I realized I didn't have any wrapping paper. W-S would have wrapped it for free, but the wait time was an hour and a half. I wish they had just given me some paper and I would have wrapped it myself. In fact, I used to wrap gifts as a job! I also accepted money (like $5...it's not like it was exorbitant or anything) from my little sister to wrap all of her gifts. She's left-handed, although I'm not sure that excuse works for everything.

I bought a gift card at Wal-Mart the other day (so I hope the person I bought it for isn't reading this...I don't think that person is, so I'm probably safe telling you this) and the cashier asked, "Is it for you?" Uh, no? Why would I buy myself a gift card? Just because every time I buy a present for someone I also reward myself with one doesn't mean I'm going to buy myself a gift card. Weird.

My management office put out a "we won't accept packages during the holidays" memo the week of Thanksgiving, which really irked me. They would accept UPS, Fed Ex, DHL, or any private service, but would send all the USPS packages to the post office. As if getting to the management office wasn't a hassle in itself since they keep stupid hours. I got a slip in my mailbox today and it said I had a package. Then I noticed a memo posted by the mailboxes - and it said the office decided they weren't the grinch (their words) and would accept packages. Yay! So now I just have to leave work tomorrow at 4:30 to make sure I can get here by 5:30.

This post's title: TBA

*Over the past week, I have developed a strange spot on my foot. It's on the outside, opposite the arch. It's gotten bigger. It's just red, and it hurts to touch it. It's not any kind of bug bite, and it doesn't appear to be a rash. It's not puffy or swollen. Just a sensitive red spot. So if you have any thoughts on that, please pass them along.

*I caught Tess licking my toothbrush. Time for a new one, and time to start using a travel toothbrush cover.

*I also discovered my unopened loaf of bread was shredded by the cats. So much for my plan of having sandwiches all week. I considered just taking my jars of peanut butter and jelly and a really big spoon. I ate out instead.

*I think I would exercise more if I had an exercise partner. I also think I would exercise more if I had an elliptical machine like those swan peddle boats where you have to have two people. That would make exercising more fun. That and maybe beer.

*I don't know what to get my boss for Festivus. Suggestions welcome.

*The office holiday party is tomorrow. I signed up for "paper goods." I couldn't find any good non-denominational/unChristmasy things, so I got some napkins with a reindeer/moose/elk pattern that looks like flannel sheets, and plates with what appears to be an ornament, although you could make a good case that it also looks like a dreidel.

*I know someone who is Ridiculously Happy. She's like Bubblicious happy. She's so bubblegum sweet that it makes my tummy hurt. I wouldn't mind so much, except she insists on trying to drag me into her gooey Bubblicious. Seriously, I have no desire to be that happy.

*How do you feel about office pools, like where you pool money together for secretaries, or for someone leaving the office? I don't mind some, but I feel like it's getting ridiculous lately. I wish they'd just take $50 out of every paycheck so I wouldn't have to donate anymore. That way I'd never miss it.

*I love getting Hannukah presents, but as it turns out, I am not as awesome at picking out Hannukah gifts as I thought.

*Readers have been receiving my Festivus cards, and so far no one has sent it back as Addressee Unknown, or Rejected or anything - yay!

Coming soon!

As promised, my Christmas cards for the year. Actually, I have one more to add: a card to Zuska!

It's not too late! (to whip it, whip it good)
I mean, it's not too late to request a card. It won't be signed "Santa," though - that costs a dollar extra, cash up front.

It's that time again

Christmas card season! I'm hoping to send out at least as many cards as last year. And yes, if you got one last year, you're getting one this year.

But wait! There's more!

Ok, that was a lie. That was the end.

Fashion Forward

I'm thinking it may be time to retire the argyle template, at least for a while. Any thoughts? I could go back to an older template, I guess. But I'm thinking maybe I want something new altogether.

Here are three templates I've used before (click to enlarge).

Friday Cat Blogging: Hunting season begins

Tess is getting better at catching fake prey mid-air. That part is cute.

What's less cute is her new habit of staring at a light bulb then going beserk attacking the shade. She's actually broken the wooden spine (whatever it's called) of one lamp and she crashed a floor lamp the other night. Next time, I'm going to have to get a place with built-in fixtures.

Someone keeps sayin' I'm insane to complain about a shotgun wedding and a stain on my shirt

You know when they ask you in an interview what your strengths and weaknesses are? I usually say the same thing to both because it's true. Obsessive-compulsiveness can sometimes be my strength, but at some point it becomes my weakness.

I wondered, then, how I could compose my own pathetic personal ad. I mean, my paranoia is probably an unattractive quality, but sometimes I'm actually right, so I take a certain amount of "I told you so" pride in my paranoia and don't really consider it a negative quality. My height, unfortunately, is something I can't do anything about (although the man who smells like wheat in the article might be worth meeting...he's only 4'10!).

My ad would probably read something like this:

Bossy and only slightly unattractive lawyer earning less than you'd think. Enjoys both kinds of music: country and western. Fun when manic, inconsolable when sad. Likes panda bears, cats, and Hebrew Nationals. Female, 35 (again).

Surely that sounds at least as pathetic as these people. Feel free to share your own negative ad. Not about me. You.

What you're doing: Reading about how boring I am

What I'm doing at home: I've been having a problem with my freezer. It seems to be getting too warm, and the food starts defrosting. Then the freezer part comes on, and I end up with layers of frost. The frost doesn't bother me much, but I'm kind of concerned about how good the food is. It doesn't get completely defrosted, but if you open the door when it's at a warm point, the boxes are definitely soft and mushy. Most of it is vegetarian food, so maybe that's not as dangerous? Anyway, I need to write the management.

In the meantime, I've been forced to eat cereal, sandwiches, macaroni, or ramen. Mmm, variety. Most of those require bowls, and I only have six. So, if you were wanting to get me something for Christmas, bowls would be good. And a wife. If I got the wife, she could just wash the bowls so I wouldn't need more bowls. So, whichever.

What I'm doing at work: Last night I called my boss on the way home to remind her that court is at 9. When I got to work, it turned out it was really at 10. D'oh. I also wore a suit but then it turned out I wasn't going to court after all. I can't believe I put on pantyhose for nothing! All day, everyone was impressed. I clean up good! Maybe they'll keep me around another week or two.

What I'm reading: Vanity Fair (the magazine). I finished The Devil in the White City the other day. I wasn't overly impressed. I have several other books to read, mostly biographies. I think I'll read Life of Pi first, though.

What I'm listening to: Bob Dylan's Modern Times

What I'm thinking about: Misha is having gastrointestinal problems...out both ends. Yuck. I'm wondering if this is a one-time thing or if both cats will be getting sick. Maybe they caught my cold!

What I'm not thinking about: The fact that I ate chocolate covered hazelnuts, then a bowl of macaroni, then a mini Twix followed by a mini Hershey's dark chocolate and a mini dark chocolate Mr. Goodbar for dinner. Seriously, I need to get my freezer fixed. Frozen food has got to be better than candy bars.

The (lady) bachelor

I need a wife.

This morning I was planning to eat cereal, only to discover I hadn't washed dishes in so long I didn't have any bowls. I'm not against eating cereal out of a pint glass (or worst case, a wine glass...no, I guess even worse would be a shot glass), but I also was short on spoons. I'm not to the point (yet) of just tossing in a handful of cereal and swishing milk around in my mouth. For one thing, you're supposed to shake up soy milk, so it's not exactly drinkable right out of the carton.

By the time I got home tonight, I'd forgotten about the bowl situation, so I got ready to make macaroni and cheese (the kind that you heat up in the microwave). Then I realized that my dishes had not washed themselves when I was at work. I wasn't sure if it would microwave as well in a beer stein, so I made soup and ate it out of the pot (I had a spoon by then), standing over the stove.

Anyway, back to the wife situation...

For the past couple of weeks, I've had more lunch supplies than I could eat, for various reasons. I started making a coworker sandwiches so the food wouldn't go to waste. Not just crappy PB&Js (although I do use good peanut butter and good jelly) - I made her toasted bagel sandwiches and rosemary turkey wraps. I even brought edamame! She and I started talking about how awesome it would be to have your own personal wife to do little but important things - like making you a sandwich. We concluded that maybe polygamists have got the right idea. Maybe it's not so much the idea of the man having several wives, but the wives having wives!

So then I started wondering how much I could charge people for doing these little things, like making sure all the bills were paid on time, or picking up dry cleaning, or going to the grocery store. I may not have a lot of incentive to do it myself (see above), but I'm also not getting paid. It's not a totally unreasonable idea. They have those "Honey do" handyman services. However, I'd have to be really careful in marketing the concept of wife services without the, uh, wife services.

The shaggy D.A.

Why do all female attorneys have the same shoulder-length hairdo? It's like it's the gold standard or something. I don't see how three inches either way makes me look more serious. Then again, I once appeared at an interview with markedly shorter hair than my facebook picture and the female interviewer commented on it. I said I was thinking about growing it back out. Her response? I would. So...what do I know? Clearly, I ought to think twice before cutting my hair.

Feel the power...of attorney!!!

I received a bill from the power company saying a payment from September had been rejected. September! And they're just now telling me?! AND they've tacked on a return fee. They mailed the letter telling me I was woefully overdue on November 29. At the soonest, I received it Friday, but I didn't check mail until Saturday. When is it due?

TOMORROW.

Apparently I have to pay in person, although they sent an envelope and a remit-payment stub. "Please pay $106.79 in full at one of our customer service centers..." but then on the back there are two different sections. The first is entitled "Where to pay your bill." The second? "Customer service centers." So...I'm not really sure if I can go to a "where to pay your bill" place (which would be more convenient) or if I have to go to a customer service center.

They also let me know that if I disputed this notice, I was entitled to be heard. And of course, when I complained, they said I needed a letter from my bank showing I was not overdrawn at that time. When I called the bank, they said I needed a letter from the power company.

I have the feeling I'm going to be stuck paying the damn return fee. At some point, I'll have expended twenty-five dollars' worth of work fighting it. *sigh* Normally, I would call and berate every lowly phone answerer but I'm losing my voice due to this cold.

Oh, and I had the most bizarre dream about Beanie last night. I think I was supposed to go pick her up and take her to some really important event, but I got lost (of course), and was way, way off. Like, in the wrong part of the state off. Sorry, Beanie...or should I just say "tough beans?"

Friday Cat Blogging: They might be giant paws edition

Right now Tess is using her giant paws to climb up the walls. Yes, she's literally climbing the walls. She can be so weird sometimes. I guess she takes after her mother.