Chokehold

I have a bad habit of swallowing food whole. It's been a life-long affliction. When I was in high school I ate Werther's Originals like, well, candy. Then when I went to take an AP test, I accidentally swallowed a whole one right when the proctor said, "Begin!" I was coughing and clearing my throat for like an hour. And it hurt! I did ok on the test, though. But after that, I was paranoid, so I stopped eating Werther's.

In college, I decided that peppermints were safer. You know, they're round, whereas Werther's are oval-shaped - perfect for slipping down the esophagus. I figured a peppermint would get stuck before it got too far down. I had a meeting planned with my thesis advisor, and I desperately hoped to impress her with some Fitzgerald-based theory of narrative. Yeah, I didn't get it either. Anyway, she called my name right after I had put a peppermint into my mouth. So I swallowed it whole. And it hurt and I coughed and cleared my throat for the whole meeting. At least my coughs were minty fresh.

I recently spotted Sugar-free Werther's, which sounded good because I could really use some fake candy. Once I opened them, I realized that they just seemed like smaller Werther's. You can't just downsize something and call it diet! Sure, they may be sugar-free but they're still 40 calories a serving. Which is five pieces. But still...I feel ripped off. And since I'm writing this post, you can assume I haven't yet choked to death. There's still hope though - I bought another bag this weekend.

Friday Cat Blogging: Video killed the Friday Cat Blog?

For Christmas, I received a Flip, which I had never heard of. My mom is way ahead of the Times. Anyway, I promised I would put up some FCB clips, but somehow never got around to it. I finally opened the box and managed to get the thing started (it's supposed to be idiot-proof but I managed to peel apart part of the machine that wasn't supposed to come apart -oops) and took some videos. That was in February.

I couldn't get the USB to fit into my laptop port (not uncommon, really bad planning on the maker's part), so I had to buy a USB hub. Naturally, I procrastinated for two or three weeks before getting one.

After I got the hub, I realized I would have to break down and install Service Pack 2 in order to download the videos from the camcorder. When I downloaded SP1 in law school, it ate my whole computer. So I had to stop putting off SP2, which I had successfully avoided for years.

That took 3 1/2 hours. Well, and a few hours before that to back stuff up. Then I needed updated virus software, so that took a while. I was finally ready...and then the software wouldn't install due to a Flip software issue.

So I downloaded the software patch. It took so long I was able to go to Target, PetSmart, the post office, Sonic, and another drive through!

Once I had the software installed, it had to download my videos, and blah blah blah. To make this long story somewhat shorter than I could make it, the end result is I finally did it. Now if the cats would just be more interesting when the cameras are rolling.

Move over, grillz

Damn, tats for your teeth?

Longtime readers know what I would choose.

As an update to the mustache thing, it's spreading. I should have gotten mine before the idea went mainstream. Rats.

Duty free?

I was talking with a friend about jurors and jury duty because half my office has jury duty this week. I said something about everyone hating jury duty, but it seems like a lot of lawyers are actually interested in serving on juries but we never get picked. Then I said, "They need professional jurors. Like my mom!"

I swear, my mother has jury duty like twice a year. And she likes it. She's very interested in the process. Both cases were criminal. One was a bar fight and the other was a sexual assault on a child. She didn't sit for the first one, but did on the second. They found him guilty. It was interesting hearing a juror's point of view about the trial.

Anyway, so back to pro jurors. They could get their $40 a day or however much it is, which isn't bad if you're retired or independently wealthy or something. Then I wondered about the tax implications of your jury duty pay. I've only gotten as far as the first day and I donated my pay (which, on the first day is a lousy 5 or 6 dollars, more than it costs to park downtown) to a battered women's shelter or something, so I wouldn't know. But if being a jury was somebody's job, how would that work? What about jurors who have regular jobs but get on those monster cases that take months? Just wondering.

Stranger than fiction or fictional strangers?

In the past two days, I've received emails from total strangers. One was from a guidebook for Paris, wanting to use a picture I uploaded to Flickr. I looked at the picture and it was about the most boring picture ever. I think it was just because no one else had taken a picture of the same place, or no one else had given permission. The second email was from someone saying they liked my blog and also, feel free to visit their blog and use their stuff.

I gave my permission for the guidebook and looked at the other blog.

Also, I am totally overworked right now, which is a lame excuse for why this blog has been so lame lately. But it's really super fun to work on a case in which the prosecutor and defense are sniping at each other to the point where it boils down to one side saying, "Judge, that's not the law." "That is the law." "That's not the law." "That IS the law. I WILL SHOW YOU THE LAW." Silly!

My little ducklings have turned into swans!

Aww...as I am grading the students' latest assignment, my little heart cockles are warming.* They're so awesome! Well, most of them. Ok, slightly more than half. I think everyone has improved since the fall, both in substance and style, but a whole bunch really had the light bulb turn on.

One of my adjuncting duties (they need a song called adjunction function...they could even use the tune to Conjunction Junction 'cuz it already works!) is wading through a pile of stuff for a competition. Normally, I am very pro-bleeding heart, fly-your-freak-flag, tree-hugging, and cardboard-flattening, but the quality of some of these submissions really had me going to the other side. That's good advocacy.

I had a student ask me for a letter of recommendation. Actually, I've had more than one student ask but this is the first with an actual need for a specific letter. Sweet - I can exercise my adjunctorial powers in writing.

I am adjunct, feel me type!

* I was going to put a picture of cockles being warmed, but then I thought I might have undesirable results if I googled that. But just so you know, I did google it and the first page of images was not dirty.

The pen is mightier

I'm grading an assignment for my class, and the fake address of one of the parties is on "Therapy Lane." (Clearly, I didn't make this up - my fake address would more likely be Lois Lane.) Every time I see that, I giggle and sort of wish that whoever wrote the exercise had used "Therapist Lane."

-------------------------
An album cover!

7-Up for your bathroom

I am a slouch when it comes to cleaning but I didn't mind cleaning the toilet (for once) with this. It smells really minty and lemony! Now, maybe you don't like citrusy smells, but ask yourself this: do you really like the way toilet bowl cleaner smells? Exactly.

Concussedard's last stand

Oof. I dropped something under my desk on Wednesday and bent over to pick it up. Except when I stood up, I forgot that I was under my desk still. It hurt, but it didn't make a goose egg or anything. The pain lasted for several days (and I still have a little). I felt nauseous, a little dizzy at times, and my head ached despite lots of ibuprofen and Tylenol.

Luckily, I am a doctor (well, of jurisprudence - but it's still a doctor - it's not like I'm a J.N. [juris nurse] or J.A. [juris assistant]), so I didn't have to go see another doctor to get the diagnosis: a concussion. Mild, but cuss-worthy.

I plan on blaming my poor work output from the last couple of days on it.

Also, this has nothing to do with anything, but there should be a book called Custard's Last One Night Stand. Because I think it would be funny. I might even read it.

Mmmm, lava

This office is very into holidays, including Easter.  Actually, this whole town seems to be very holiday-happy. 

As I was checking out at the grocery store, the checker asked, "So, you all ready for Easter?"  Except I had no idea what he was talking about.  It was just such a strange comment that I had to ask him several times to repeat himself.  I looked at my purchases - frozen burritos, Lean Cuisine, ice cream, beer...you know, all the makings of a good Easter feast.  "Oh.  Um, no, I don't celebrate Easter."  He was shocked.

When I got into work today, there was a craft-made bunny.  It's cute, but I kind of have no utility for knick-knacks.  So for the moment it's sitting on my desk, in front of my hockey pictures.  It'll probably stay there until I leave the job, considering I have a reindeer ornament still on my desk that an intern gave me at Christmas.  My other Easter gift was a lava lamp.  Correction - a glitter lamp.  It works like a lava lamp, but glitter floats around instead of those blobs.  It also changes color, which is kind of neat.  How it's Easter-y is beyond me, but at least it's all-seasonal.  And it's a good distraction!  I've already turned off the lights and watched it for a while.  I may have to unplug it for "must-work" times.

Does anyone else work in very holiday-y offices?  Does anyone else get lava lamps for Easter?  Or is it just me in my bizarro world?  Also, am I supposed to respond with gifts?  Do they have to be holiday-relevant?

A primer on premieres

There's a new summer prospect coming in this week to interview. I took a look at the resume and was like, yawn - like everyone else, overqualified and underqualified at the same time. I like to read the non-academic stuff because sometimes it's really interesting.

This person has like, an art degree or is on a museum board or something, but what caught my eye was the description of the gallery: XYZ Gallery, the [State]'s primer gallery on [whatever it is they specialize in]. Um, is it a gallery that's just full of primed walls? That seems pretty avant-garde but then again, what do I know about modern art, right?

So the lesson is, unless you really did work at a primer gallery, learn to use think-check and not just spell check. There's a big difference between premiere and primer.

Seriously...it just embarrasses me when you have Phi Beta Kappa listed and don't know the difference between primer and premiere. Is this something I should ask about during the interview?

Almost as good as the Opti-Grab

I have two pairs of glasses, one for work and one for home. I sometimes wear the home ones to work (they're not totally ugly or from the 80s or anything, I just wanted "serious" frames at one point in my life, so I got the new ones), but lately they had been slipping down my nose a lot. They're plastic rectangular frames that don't have a nosepiece, so I was out of luck there. I tried getting them adjusted behind the ears but that hurt.

My other option was to get a nose job and get a bigger bridge put in. Maybe I'd be the first person to request a bigger nose.

The last place I went to suggested I try stick-on pads that were supposed to cushion and provide some traction. I tried some but they were totally obvious and it looked totally nerdy. Then I found some clear, thin silicone ones at the grocery store and slapped them on. Genius!

Does this go on the left or ride side of the plate?

But do enough people eat enough ramen to make it a sensation? Answer: Yes!

In fact, I had ramen tonight! My local grocery store quit carrying my favorite flavor, and so I resigned myself to never having deliciously cheap noodles again. But then I found some at Walgreens, of all places! So I stocked up, although not to the extent I would have liked to. You know the place is overcharging when you can only get 4 ramens for a dollar instead of 10. It's like they bought it at the gas station and then marked the price up! Mmm, ramen.

Lucky

A friend of a friend's friend got her tickets to the gun show.

Professors say the darndest things

I wish Sharon was in my class. The only time my students ever laughed was when I told them to laugh or when I said something funny on accident.

Friday Cat Blogging: Do not adjust your screen - the picture is fuzzy

For some reason, this new camera phone takes really blurry pictures. I guess I could use a tripod, but that would kind of take away from the convenience of a camera phone.

An unvitation

If, when you walk by to say good morning to me, I say, "You sound terrible.  Go home." that means that a) you sound terrible and b) I want you to go home.  Maybe not out of concern for you but because I am selfish and don't want to hear you hack and cough and/or get your germs when you hack and cough.

When I say you-sound-terrible-go-home, it is NOT an invitation to step over the threshold into my office to tell me this is the sixth day you've been sick and the fourth day since you've been coughing, but good news for me, you're only contagious the first 24 hours.  My "go home" is an unvitation to my office.  It's an ex-vitation.  It's a "Why don't you make like a tree and get out of here."

I probably sounded rude when my response to "I'm not contagious anymore" was "I don't care!" and "Stay out of my office!" but again, I never said I told you to go home because of YOUR health.  I'm just mean and selfish.  And I have something important due today.  But mostly because I am mean and selfish.

Plus, that whole "24 hour contagious" thing is BS.  This person even sent a link via email to a website saying that you were contagious for 24 hours.  Yeah, IF YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS.  I would say a person with HIV or AIDS is not just contagious the first 24 hours.  Now, my coworker (as far as I know) does not have either affliction.  But since he's just guessing that what he has is a cold or sinusitis, or the dropsy or whatever, I don't want him near me.

At this rate, it would take me how many hours to pay off my student loans?

From Denise

Does this prove or disprove the theory we descended from apes?

There are so few public toilets that put their toilet paper at a reasonable place. Sometimes the dispenser is hung so low, you'd have to have monkey arms to get any paper out. Sometimes they're so high and far away that, again, you'd have to have monkey arms (we're from monkeys) or go-go-Gadget arms (we're the bionic future!).

Apropos of nothing, I hope never to schedule student meetings again starting at 7:30 a.m. I'm just too old for early mornings. Yet not so old that I'm up at 5:00 like your grandparents. It's a tough age.

Friday Cat Blogging: Not on Friday and not my cat

There's a cute orange and white tabby cat that lives in or near my office parking lot. I see it almost every evening, and it tends to run away if I try to get too close. I didn't think it was feral since it hung around our parking lot quite a bit. Today I saw a man playing featherstick with the cat! He brought his own cat featherstick and was swooping it around, and the cat was totally jumping around. It was really cute! Then the guy started to walk off and the cat chased him. Aww.

Stella!!!

I returned late last night from my first trip to New Orleans. It was not the Big Easy. It was, in fact, mostly a big pain in the ass, although none of that was really the city's fault.

The flight in was ok, although I shouldn't have tried to save $15 by taking the airport-to-downtown shuttle. I had to wait 40 minutes in the parking garage, and then we had to drop off like 500 other people first, so I didn't get to do any sightseeing like I had planned.

When I checked into my first room, I opened the door and saw that the bed was unmade. And that there was someone else's luggage in the room. !!! I asked for another room since I wasn't expecting to share with a total stranger, and they were like, are you sure you were in the right room? What, did they give me the skeleton key that opens every hotel room?

When I got to my second room, I opened up my suitcase to discover that my clothes had a weird smell and were soaking wet. It turns out that the heat-protection spray for my hair had leaked all over the place. And not because of the trigger spray - I had bought that spray in particular because it had a lock on the trigger so that it couldn't accidentally spray - it was because the entire top had been unscrewed and separated from the bottle. Yes, the TSA had taken apart the spray bottle, not put it back together, then slapped a sticker on my bag saying TSA Inspected. Thanks, TSA. So...all my clothes smelled like the spray. And they were all wet. Including my dry-clean clothes. And I had a meeting to attend the next morning.

The staff was very nice, calling around to see if anyplace would pick up dry cleaning that late, and trying to find a laundromat so I could at least wash my socks and underwear. In the end, they directed me to the Shops at Canal. I know they meant well, but when I got there, I realized that the only place that sold underwears was Saks, which I normally avoid because I can't afford it. I mean, $25 for one pair of underwear?! The cheapest pair?! Scary. I also bought a dress because I can't wear pants off the rack (way too long). The dress was a size bigger than I would have liked but I was running out of time. I washed the rest of my washable clothes in the sink and hung them up to dry.

The meeting was fine, if not boring. I tried to network. I am miserable at networking, but I really did try. I even gave out a card (well, it doesn't look like that one, but it IS a card)! But I didn't make any little friends so I ended up eating alone every day.

I managed to slip away early one day and visit the aquarium. (Since I'm in the middle of a very long complaint, I would like to add that all the good stuff closes entirely too early and that all you have left is the overpriced touristy crap) The aquarium was really good. They had to replace all of their fish after the storm. They had a petting ocean and you could pet stingrays and a shark. I just watched other people do it. I wasn't taking my chances.

I ate tchefuncte. I ate beignets with a praline syrup. I am relieved that I weigh approximately the same amount as when I left. It's hard to tell, though, because this morning when I weighed myself (before breakfast), I was two pounds lighter than when I had gone to bed, however that works out.

I had to depart rather quickly on Friday so that I could make my plane. It then sucked a lot that it ended up taking me nine hours to get home. And when I finally got there, my luggage had not made it onto my plane and so I had to stand around to see if it was on the next plane (it was).

In sum, this trip was not as successful as my boss was probably hoping it would be. I hope they still let me go on future trips.

The hamburglarized

The office was broken into some time over the weekend. We're all kind of puzzled because the building is supposedly secure (doors auto-lock after 6:00 and you need an electronic pass to get in) and then we lock our office as well. But even more puzzling was the theives' choice of goods. And I say thieves plural for a reason.

One of the secretaries finally asked someone what this paper bag had been doing by her desk for two days. Everyone had assumed it was her lunch, but when she started asking around, we realized it wasn't packed by any of us. Then we realized that the stuff in the bag was from our kitchen (!!!), and it was our food, and that the thieves packed themselves a little snack and then forgot to take it with them.

We guess thieves plural because there were at least two of everything. Two Diet Cokes, three pudding cups, a can of chicken noodle soup, two cans of tuna (it said premium on it!) a can of beenie weenies, and even silverware and napkins. How bizarre! At least it's thinking ahead. After all, who wants to eat beenie weenies with their fingers? Exactly.

Office-wise, they stole some teleconferencing equipment and stuff out of people's desks. I mean, not just on top, but inside, in drawers. One person had their change jar taken. A change jar dedicated to pennies. Wasn't there something more valuable (and less cumbersome) to steal? Strange.

It's a creepy feeling to know that someone has been in your office. I think what took so long to realize the food had been nabbed was that they only took a few things. If all the Diet Cokes had been missing, we would have noticed earlier. I wonder if they stood around and microwaved our tv dinners. Weird. Did they make some of my 100 calorie popcorn? Did they tear apart my Black Knight doll? Did they play hangman on my whiteboard?

I'm just glad I hadn't taken a new 12-pack of Diet Dr. Pepper to the office - I bet they would have stolen that over Diet Coke.

Giddyup

Happy Texas Independence Day!