Another reason to dislike family law

Does a cat really have to be dragged into a divorce case? The couple's not even fighting over custody of the cat - it's whether the mom can prevent the kids from visiting dad because dad has a cat named Indie. I hope "Indie" was a pseudonym since he was only 18 months old.

Speaking of pseudonyms for kids, it's usually common practice to see their initials, like, L.M. or S. R. Sometimes you see a name pseudonym, which seems like it would be hard for people to remember to call the kid by the fake name. Until today, I had never encountered the pseudonym "Princess." "And how did Princess act after that happened?" I don't know who gets to pick those names (the prosecutor or the kid or who) but I would pick something cooler than Princess.

While griping about work, let me throw this out there. I work in a jurisdiction that doesn't require one party to ask the other for an extension or continuance, at least not as the norm. Sure, if it's like, the 500th one, someone might oppose the motion, but generally the first couple are granted and so there's no point in asking the other side. I got a call today from the other party, and he sounded like he wasn't sure if he was trying to be aggressive or furtive.

Basically he wanted to know if I would oppose his request for a week's, no make that ten days, extension. I kind of snorted and said, "Uh, no?" in a "Duh" tone. "Why would I?" Unless you're just a jerk, why would you oppose an extension, especially if you know the court will grant it? Maybe it's just not common practice around here, but a lot of the time the other side sounds surprised that I would agree.

Who'd a thunk that I was too nice ? Although, this fourth motion I got from another party is kind of annoying. Each one asks for some small amount of time, like two days, then five days, then three days. Just ask for the amount you really want!!! Arghhhhhh!

The economist

My blog is worth $23,146.14.
How much is your blog worth?

First of all, I guess I'd better not quit my day job. Or even my night job, at this blog's value.

Second, I recently saw Who Killed the Electric Car? (No, I'm not saying it with a raised pitch at the end like it's a question. It's...a declarative question. Or something.) It was pretty good except it was overly campy in the murder mystery aspect. Plus, it felt like it had been done as a group effort, and like, one person had all the good ideas, someone else had sort of good ideas, and the third person just sat around and ate chips. It felt like it was trying to be the The Corporation ("Canada's most successful documentary...Ever!" which is sort of like me saying I'm the tallest out of all the pre-K kids) and Crash, all at once. I say like Crash because it seemed like it was going to end about 50 times. The only good thing about Crash was that if you ended it at any of the fake endings, you would have been fine. Back to the electric car movie - it was good. It was CRAZY how much work the car companies put into creating a zippy electric car and then the extreme measures they took to destroy every single one. Creepy!

Finally, a "two trains leave the station" kind of situation. Person A's car gets nearly twice the mpg than Person B's car. However, Person A's commute is almost three times farther than Person B's. Also, Person A's car is newer than Person B's, but both have nearly the same amount of mileage. In the interest of saving the wear and tear on Person A's car because it's newer and nicer, balanced against the interest of saving money and the world by using a more efficient car, who should drive what car?

I've got the power!

Yep - I've agreed to teach again next year at the law school. I feel so...scheming. Like Gargamel or something. Kind of always plotting for something evil but not really ever pulling it off. Hopefully by the time I reach tenure, I'll finally be evil. Isn't that how it works?

Luckily, my students were very, very (maybe too) frank with me and so I'll be doing a lot of retooling over the summer. Maybe I'll even read the textbook I assigned them! The cool thing about being a "professor" (HHHHAHAHHA...still funny when I say it) is that I get free "review" textbooks! Of course, I teach a very boring subject, but it's still free! If it sucks, I can use it as a steady surface for nail painting or something.

Signs we need to get out more

I was trying to grab the water pitcher while not disturbing a coworker who was standing in between me and the pitcher. I couldn't quite make it, and she offered to move out of the way. I said, "If only I had the long arm of the law. Hey, 'The Short Arm of the Law' sounds like a good blog name."

This same coworker and I were discussing Lean Cuisine lunches a while back. I mentioned the flatbread sandwiches and she said, "Oh, and I keep meaning to try the Panettis but I haven't yet." I stopped for a second. "Do you mean paninis?"

Arghhhhhhhhh!

After freaking out two nights ago, I got a call from my boss this morning, asking if anyone could come downstairs to help carry in a bunch of stuff. Namely, flowers and breakfast for the administrative professionals.

You're kidding, right?

Nope. For some random reason, my office chose to celebrate on Thursday. Just for that, I ate some of the breakfast and pecan brittle I made for them.

So long, Festivus

Today was Administrative Professionals Day. This is my first year at this job, so I wasn't sure how the office handled it. Was there an en masse gift (flowers or lunch) or did we do a collection for a gift card or something? It didn't strike me until last night that I hadn't heard anything and that the holiday formerly known as Secretaries Day was the next day.

I panicked and ran out to get cards for the three administrative professionals who work in my group, or who have done work for me. I wrote little messages in each one, thanking them for their patience with me and all their hard work. Then I was worried that that wasn't enough, so I thought about candy. But nowdays with everyone being on one diet or another, I didn't know what to get. I concluded I would make something neutral and say it was for the whole office to enjoy. I settled on lemon bars - they're sort of spring-related, and light, and a nice change from chocolate-chip cookies or brownies. I mean, who doesn't love lemon bars, right?

When I got home from buying the cards, I realized I didn't have any eggs. So much for the lemon bars. I had some break and bake cookies, so I did some of those. They were fair to middling, and I was worried that middling cookies were as bad as buying some generic grocery store cake with overly sugared frosting and your name misspelled on the top.

My next brilliant idea was to make peanut brittle. It's totally neutral! It's non-holiday-related, and everyone except peanut allergy sufferers should love it! Bad news: I didn't have any peanuts. But I did have pecans (they're the state tree of Texas, so of course I always have some on hand), so my peanut brittle became pecan brittle.

I tasted a piece last night (quality control) and it was good. Then I had another piece as I was packing it up in a tupperware, and it wasn't as good. Yikes. Well, at least there was a 50% chance that your piece would be good.

After all that, I got to work today and discovered that my office doesn't celebrate it at all. Like...no one at all said anything. Including the administrative professionals. At first, I was scared that maybe I had missed the day, and that's why no one else was doing anything. I had already given the secretaries their cards and put out my snacks, so there was a high potential for Major Embarrassment. I ran back to my office and googled "administrative professionals day." Yep, it was today. It just happened that it's a non-holiday at my job and so all my fretting over the lemon bars-peanut brittle-pecan brittle was completely unnecessary.

After the Earth Day debacle and today's failure-to-launch Administrative Professionals Day plan, I'm just going to stop "observing" these "holidays."

It appears that Earth girls are not easy

Who is worse to be behind: The old lady who wants to write a check with her extremely arthritic hands, someone who wants to pay in cash but has to dump out an entire handbag or pocket for one penny, or me at Wal-Mart?

When I got to the register, I told the kid that I brought my own bags.

What?

I brought my own bags. You know...bags.

[He starts putting my stuff in plastic bags.]

No, wait. Stop. Stop. Stop. I want you to use the bags I brought, see?

Oh, uh...I can't do that. Groceries have to go in our store bags. It's the policy.

What?! This is a Wal-Mart bag. I bought it here. So I wouldn't have to use plastic bags? See - it says "Paper or Plastic? Neither." And it has the little recycle picture.

Well, I'm sorry, but I can't do that. Groceries have to be in the plastic bags.

That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. [Not to mention my "groceries" were just ice cream, chips, and salsa...very nutritious]

It's the store policy.

Okay.

[He breathes a sigh of relief that I am not going to go ballistic.]

Can you call a manager?

[A minute or two later, I flag down a manger because no one is answering his little speaker phone calls for help. I explain that I brought my bags and would like for the groceries to be put in them.]

He turns to the cashier. So what's the problem, exactly?

The kid is totally speechless. He doesn't even know how to explain how "strange" my request is. The manager was like, that's totally fine, you idiot. Even the cashier on the next lane (who apparently felt like she needed to chime in) was like, Yeah, we sell those bags for that purpose.

So he starts sacking my groceries, and says, "I'm really sorry. It's just that I've never seen these before [never mind the stacks of bags for sale at the end of every aisle] and I've never heard of this."

My response?

Son, that's just sad.

Yes, I'm officially a crabby old young person. Next thing, I'll revert to writing checks.

The Venus razor: Take me to your leader

You'd think that at four blades, we'd hit the wall, razor-wise. Of course, we now know that's not true. I think the last time I was consistently happy with a razor was using a Bic Soleil - the disposable one. The replaceable kind just isn't as good. Anyway, I'm trying to be less wasteful, so of course, I now buy every new razor that comes out on the market and then am dissatisfied.

So I gave into the hype and bought a new Venus Embrace. It came with a free travel bag (not that I go anywhere) and a free shaving cream. I don't even know why that lured me in because I already know I don't like Satin Care shaving cream. (I'm an Aveeno or Kiss My Face girl).

When I got home I realized that the reason they had to come up with a new version of the Venus razor was because their shaving cream was "Alluring Avocado" flavor. SICK!!!! Clearly, no one in their right mind would buy (or even steal) avocado-smelling shaving cream, so they must have created this whole new razor in order to give the shaving cream away.

I tried it, though, just to make sure it wasn't awesome. It's not. It's just wrong.

The razor itself is ok. I still long for the days when razors were a lot more dangerous because I feel like I can never get a good shave anymore. I guess I just belong in a generation where the best toy was the bag o'glass. Sigh.

Ultra-formal Fridays?

When you tell a client to wear something "nice" to court, it's always a challenge. Clean clothing is always good. It doesn't have to be uber-fancy or whatever. Whenever anyone ever asked me, "Like what?" I would say, "Like what you might wear to church," without really thinking about whether that person went to church or not. Still, I think most people could come up with a decent idea of what one would wear to church.

So it's always surprising when your client shows up in a powder pink velour tracksuit with her initial on the boob in rhinestones. At least it was zipped up to a decent height. It's also surprising when your client goes to court in a tuxedo. All I could think of was Pesci's red velvet suit in My Cousin Vinny.

Everything that guy just said is bullshit. Thank you.

Ooh, snap!

Hahahaha.

Did you know...

...people tend to not respect your authorita if your shoe makes a farting noise when you walk?

Honestly, they were not making that noise this morning!

GROSS

A banana saver?! No thanks. Bleh.

Kid-prusoff

I wonder how much a mini-mask costs. Also, how did such a young kid grow such a fabulous playoff beard?!

Obligatory hockey post

Silly.

I'm not McLovin' it

I came across a party to a suit named McJunkin. If I were a girl with the last name McJunkin, I would get married to the first person with a suitable last name. Maybe even if I was a guy with the last name McJunkin I would get married and change my name. Actually, a guy would want to keep the name.

Damn it all!

Created by OnePlusYou

Or, as The Legal Satyricon put it, "Obviously, this piece of shit doesn’t work."

Presto, diaper change-o!

I bought a new shirt the other day. It's very soft, almost like wearing the softest t-shirt you own, except I can wear it to work - hooray. The downside is a) I discovered that it kind of makes me look pregnant and b)...well, there is no b). It just makes me look kind of expectant. I was in the bathroom, thinking about what to do with the shirt (well, I was there to use the bathroom, and incidentally happened to be thinking about the shirt) when I had a brilliant idea - a home pregnancy kit called "The Pregnosticator!"

Perhaps I should go into patent law. I could make money off of my own ideas!

Orange you glad I didn't say banana?

Beauty magazines always say that people with my skin tone should wear corals. I've always thought that was b.s. because who wants to wear orange? Exactly. But I saw a orangey-pinky nail polish today and bought it. It looks terrible. Like, old lady who tans too much and is wearing orange nail polish bad. Yeech.

Tomato, tomatoh

Who knew?!

"Venire" is pronounced "ven - eye- ree," according to dictionary.com. At least, that's how the man on the little speaker sounds when you push the button. Naturally, being Texan, I just pronounce things however I feel is appropriate. In other words, I say "venire" like "veneer." Yeah, like the stuff on your teeth or those fake hardwood floors. And venireman or venire pool is the same.

I have heard other people say "ven-ire" but never "ven-eye-ree." How does that work for venireman? Ven-eye-ree-man? Sounds dumb.

And I have a dumb question. You know that case, Ake v. Oklahoma? How do you say "Ake." I've always pronounced it like "ache," but my boss pronounces it like a cockney saying "hockey." So - "ocky."

Then again, I probably scarred my students for life by lecturing them on Doyle v. Ohio and pronouncing Doyle "duhl" just like the way I say oil. I'm sure they will be laughed at forevermore.

Get a room! A different room!

Generally, I'm a PBS fan, except when they're doing telethons. Even then, they play really good stuff so people will watch and then call in and pledge.

But this is just wrong. I mean, you can't just go around changing stuff! This movie won three Oscars and was nominated for five more! And it's super romantic! Ok, and there's nudity.

Update: I watched it. And it was pretty lame.

Friday Cat Blogging: Misha in the morning

Was that a niner?

My boss announced s/he had brought a book for me to read. It was The Nine. I wasn't quite sure what to make of it - was I supposed to read this on the clock? Read it at lunch? Was there some actual reason I needed to read it, like I'm secretly going to argue in the Supreme Court and I should be reading about Justice Kennedy's lunch of an apple and yogurt?

So I'm a little more than halfway through. Although I enjoy the personal anecdotes - more precisely, mostly quirky bits about the justices - I don't particularly care for the style or tenor of the book. For one thing, it's a lot more political than I thought it would be. And it's more personal than I thought it would be - not in the sense of "getting to know the justices' favorite colors" but a kind of manipulative narrative way. I don't mean to say that Toobin is a terrible writer; on the contrary, I appreciate his method of weaving the stories into important cases rather than just random trivia. I just feel that he's putting his own words in each justice's mouth, like, well, a fictional narrator.

Not only that, I feel like I've read this before. Maybe that's just me because I have read other biographies and books about the Court, but it didn't really seem fresh. As far as being an interesting and non-literary read, this is fine. It even comes with pictures, which is always a bonus. I guess I just had different expectations. Well, and it's like Titanic: you know how it's going to end so you can leave during the seventh inning and beat the traffic.

D'oh!

What I thought was the world's dullest letter opener is apparently not even a letter opener at all - it's a staple remover!  I'd seen some similar to this (the long metal stick) but I thought those usually had a little prong on the end or something.

That or it really IS a dull letter opener and it just happened to remove a staple I was trying to get out.

Who moved my chain?!

Wow, this is awesome. I already have three locks per door and just when I thought all I could do was add more locks, the door chain maze! Only potential drawback: taking too long to un-maze it while the pizza man waits.

Reality bites

The Movie Of Your Life Is A Cult Classic

Quirky, offbeat, and even a little campy - your life appeals to a select few. But if someone's obsessed with you, look out! Your fans are downright freaky. Your best movie matches: Office Space, Showgirls, The Big Lebowski

If Your Life Was a Movie, What Genre Would It Be?

If I don't like Showgirls and The Big Lebowski, does it mean I have self-loathing issues? Wait a minute...this is so cult classic.

OMG DEODRNT! LOL KEWL!!!!

Arghhhhhhhhh! I saw an ad for deodorant marketed toward teenage girls and the tagline was "Protection for every OMG moment." This has gone too far, and this is from somene who LOVES deodorant.

I know I say it all the time, but I remember when I was little, OMG (or the words themselves) were verboten. Like, worst case scenario, I was going to hell. Best case, I would feel guilty for saying it and give it up at confession, do my penance and be put back in Limbo. Which, at the time, still existed. Although I technically wouldn't have gone there, because I had been baptized. Ok, so basically I was going to hell, ok?

But it strikes me as really weird that it's become an actual marketing slogan. I'm not religious, but to me it seems like OMG deodorant is removing the stigma attached with, oh, taking the Lord's name in vain (if it is, which I haven't decided yet, but it does seem inappropriate for hawking deodorant) and turning it into an everyday phrase that no one thinks about twice. It's like the de-demonizing of Hitler: if everyone is compared to Hitler these days, it just makes Hitler seem less terrible, which, to me, seems like a really terrible way of saying someone's just a bad person or someone you disagree with.

What's next? "Holy sh*t! Deodorant!"? (Hey - I thought of it first!)

This consumer reports: again with the deodorant!

Well, folks, I've decided that Degree Nuclear Strength is not atomic enough for me. I'm back to Secret. But since I last used Secret, they've come up with the scent "Hypoallergenic," which I didn't even know was a smell-flavor until the other day. I had used both "Light and Fresh" and "Powder Protection" and found the smell overpowering and kind of nauseating, but some people other than the wearer apparently like the way it smells. Luckily, "Hypoallergenic" has little to no smell.

So to answer my question from October 2007 - Secret wins, by a nose.

Not related to deodorant: obstetricians.

Have you ever noticed that lady obstetricians are always pregnant? I understand like, the Gap making their employees wear Gap clothing, but I think that obstetricians don't need to advertise their job. I mean, I get it!

The Manhattan project

Hmm.  Perhaps if I had seen Project Lawschool earlier, I would have pushed my paralegal to attend Cardozo instead of the school she chose.

Where no man everybody has gone before

For some reason, there seems to be an inordinate amount of Star Trek-related stuff this week.

This video from Southern Appeal

Enterprise bottle opener

A Trekkie test

Not that there's anything wrong with that.  Well, maybe a little.

Whew

Hooray! First year moot court has come and gone. Half of my class made it to the secondary level of competition. Three went to the quarterfinals and the last two were knocked out in the semifinals! Wow! Maybe they took to heart my lesson on not arguing like The Argument Clinic. Now I know what it feels like to be a stage mom! I'm just pleased as punch.

And if that wasn't enough, I got the news last night that a different one of my students won a brief writing award. !!! I feel so...vindicated. Although what I feel vindicated by/from, I'm not sure. I definitely feel validated. And victorious. And relieved that I didn't scar these kids for life from my odd pedagogy.

Well, and this made me feel better about diverting my career from music to law. So long as I haven't reached the point of harassing my students after school hours (I think it's totally fine to harass them during school hours), I feel I'm doing optimally bad.

When a problem comes along, you must whip it

Even though I always have enough work to do, sometimes I just feel like screwing around. I don't get March Madness fever or anything, but I probably waste as much time over the course of a year. Anyway, yesterday (while in one of those moods) I came up with a good idea for keeping worker productivity up - dominatrixes! (Or dominatrices, whichever is right) And not just for like, people who like that. It could be like, a workplace perk. Free coffee, paid-for parking, corporate gym, and a dominatrix. I'm not exactly sure what a guy dominatrix is. A dominator, I guess. Well, whatever the common denominator, an employee could sign up for the program.

If your denominat-person caught you slacking off at work, s/he could force you into working! I'm not going to go into details here because whatever floats your boat is up to you. I'm just saying that that kind of inspiration could be what some people need to keep on task.

Just a thought, people. (Yes, I'm looking at you)

-------------
Before the cream sets out too long, you must whip it
When something's going wrong, you must whip it

It's a little creepy that he's hanging around playgrounds, though

I like this description of Fresh Pepper: "A boy, slightly older, came over with a curious look."

(fourth entry)

Seriously, though - shouldn't it have tasted like chicken?

I went out to eat with a group of people, one of whom is a vegetarian. We all knew s/he was a vegetarian, and it was no big deal. We've dined out with--let's call this person Veta-vita-vegamin--before.

Someone ordered lettuce wraps for the group, and Veta-vita-vegamin ate one. About thirty minutes later, when we were almost done eating, someone said something about the chicken lettuce wraps. Veta said, "Wait, those were chicken?" Then we were like um, uh-oh. Maybe it was insensitive of me, but I said, "Couldn't you tell? What did you think it was?" Apparently not like chicken, which made me feel better that I didn't eat one.

A few minutes later, Veta went to the restroom. I didn't think anything of it because I go like 100 times a day (not really - don't email me and warn me of a UTI or anything), but the person next to me leaned over and whispered, "I hope Veta didn't go to the bathroom to like, throw that chicken up." I hadn't even thought of that, but I suppose it's possible.

Clearly I don't know anything about this, but it seems like it would be pretty hard to throw up something you ate 40 minutes ago. Plus, would throwing up really be necessary? I mean, it's not like Veta is vegetarian for religious or animal cruelty reasons. Veta is vegetarian just because Veta thinks it's healthier. Given that Veta ate a very small amount of chicken, I think Veta would have been ok and wouldn't have died later that afternoon. If Veta was throwing up, it just seems like an awful lot of guilt or penance for an accidental (and very small) bit of chicken.

Really, I'm not trying to be insensitive or mean (I saw what happened to Blondie when she pondered vegetarian behavior); I really do want to know:

• What did that wrap taste like?
  
• Did Veta not recognize chicken because Veta had not had chicken in several years?
  
• Or has fake meat gotten to the point where it tastes so much like real meat that a person could be fooled?
  
• Or did that chicken lettuce wrap really not taste chickeny at all and so no one would have thought, "Ooh chicken!"?

• Is it likely Veta was throwing up the food?
  
• If so, is it hard to throw something up after that long ago?
  
• Doesn't it get digested or something?

Captain Over Underpants

The figlet I get. The thong for my bra? Not so much. I can barely struggle out the door wearing two undergarments, much less three.

You know what I'm sayin?

I've solved the growing jail population issue: people in jail think that nobody understands them. Otherwise, why do they end every sentence with "You know what I'm sayin?" Seriously. It's not just in the courtroom, but every time I watch a prison show or COPS, a defendant has to say YKWIS at least once a breath. Sometimes even more. Maybe if we just said, "Yeah, I DO know what you're saying," they would feel less misunderstood and we could move on.

And for an encore, I will solve cancer. Or a Rubik's cube.

OR just tell you my latest great invention: a turducken-type chili dog. It would be a chili cheese dog, which already combines the hot dog and chili, but with your choice of fried side dish cooked right into the hot dog! So you would take a bite of hot dog and there would be fries, tater tots, or onion rings laced throughout. How awesome is that?! You could do the same with hamburgers. It would make driving and eating a hamburger a lot more efficient. Although there's something to be said about eating fries out of the bag on the drive home because you're so hungry you can't wait that long, know what I'm saying?

I think now that they've put pretty much every food on a stick, they're going to have to go to food-within-food as the next big trend. You heard it here first, you know what I'm saying?