I wish I knew how to quit you

Oh, fun size peanut M&Ms, I do wish I knew how to quit you.

I dressed up as a cowgirl (or, as 99% of the trick-or-treaters and their guardians called me, "a cowboy") and sat in a lawn chair on the sidewalk, handing out candy. The cats go beserk if the doorbell rings even for pizza, so you can imagine how they'd be for a whole night of doorbell ringing.  The going was slow for a while, so I started eating some of the candy.  And then I ate some more.  Then I tried out some candy I'd never had before.  And then, of course, I had to make sure that the rest of the candy was also delicious.  (It was.)

I had to close down shop a little earlier than I'd thought because - you guessed it - I ran out of candy.  D'oh!

A market for everything

Shiksa Goddess lipstick!  Maybe my coworker will give me a tube for Christmas, er--Hanukah.

F*** it, we're going to five-ply!

Since the advent of multi-multi-bladed razors (predicted by The Onion [NSFW] like four years ago), I expected that triple-ply TP would have been invented a lot earlier.

I got a case of the new Quilted Northern Ultra Plush.  It's kind of weird, though, because the height of the roll is about an inch shorter than a regular roll.  So there's probably the same amount of toilet paper, they just lopped an inch off the edge and turned that into the third ply.  It's definitely soft, but nothing to write home about - but enough to blog about.

I think I'm going to sit out the four-ply TP that's bound to be invented by Charmin, and just wait for the five-ply.  Pretty soon "spare a square" will be taken quite literally, since one square will be more than enough.  It's square inflation...squareflation!

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Mars, b****es!

To boldly split infinitives

I subscribe to the Volokh Conspiracy, but all I get is the "preview" portion of the feed, and I'm usually very lazy and generally not very intellectual, so I rarely click through to read the entire post, much less any of the comments.  Quick aside - at least for me, the limited feed doesn't make me want to click through; in fact, it's more likely that I'll breeze through the first 100 words and decide the rest isn't worth it.  So what are the advantages (other than click-through visitors) of having the short feed?

Today's post was about split infinitives.  Someone brought up the "to boldly go," which was pretty nerdy in itself, but then another person jumped in to say that the split infinitive wrecked the parallelism in the creed ("to explore new worlds; to seek out new civilizations...").  I realized that the last time I clicked through, there were also lots of Star Trek references in the comments.  I'm not sure if there's a correlation to be made.  

Quality control

Money law asks: Should Penn continue to use 3Ls as the legal research and writing instructors?

McPan answers: no. At least, not exclusively. As someone who supervised a Penn student taught by 3Ls (I assume), I can say that Penn Student hardly learned anything, despite having made a law review. When I say "hardly anything," I don't just mean legal writing-wise, but Bluebook-wise and research-wise. Penn Student was extremely brilliant - prior professional career in science, published artist, fluent in several languages...but completely clueless when it came to concepts like researching within the pertinent jurisdiction.

I'm very curious about this setup. Who supervises the 3Ls? Who sets the curriculum?

Prawfsblawg: "Are we sure that Penn's best third-year students -- despite being just students -- aren't able to teach good legal writing well, even as well as the 'real legal writing professors?'"

Well, how do we know that Penn's best students are really that great? Perhaps Penn Student was just a fluke, but if Penn Student's skills really were reflective of the program, then they're doomed to a vicious cycle of garbage in, garbage out. Furthermore, how do we know that the best students are the ones teaching? How are the best selected?

Why can't schools just use people who can do the job well? If they're a law student - great. If it's a full-time professor - great. Adjunct faculty - terrific (ok, I'm a little biased on that one). My LR&W program used a little bit of everything: full-time faculty would teach part of it, adjunct faculty/actual practitioners would supervise the legal writing, and 3L teaching assistants helped with researching and Bluebooking. I turned out relatively fine - still have my license, at least.

Wow - This post is really terrible. But I've spent the time writing it, so there you have it.

Friday Cat Blogging: action figures now included!

Some things aren't meant to be reduced to powdered form

Peanut butter is one of them.

Powdered sugar, powdered donuts, powdered milk, even, is acceptable.  But peanut butter is too far.  What next, powdered water?

I'm sorry, is this a five minute argument, or the full half-hour?

Wow, arguing over who gets to argue at oral argument? That's the exact opposite of me. I've tried slinking out of two arguments already, and somehow I keep having to do them. Strangely, neither case was really "my" case; I inherited one from the person who left the office and "adopted" the other by briefing on the same point as another officemate, never thinking it would actually go anywhere.

I know next to nothing about Indian Affairs, and even nexter to nothing about Mr. Larissa, but I'm on Larissa's side. After all, it's been his case for 10 years and he's gotten this far. And isn't Larissa the one who got cert granted? I say go with the coin toss. If it's good enough for high school football, then doggone it, it's good enough for the Supremes.

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I told you I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid.

E. McPan, shiksa-at-law

In a current case of mine, the arresting officer's last name was Putz.  

Yes, for real.  

Honestly!  

I was drafting some stuff and had a coworker (who happens to be Jewish) read over it.  He died laughing and proclaimed it one of my better pieces of writing.

He then went on to explain, in great detail, what "putz" meant. "Putz" is such a common word nowdays that I felt kind of insulted when he kept going on and on, as if I'd never heard of Yiddish or known that sometimes, words come from other languages.  I guess it's just his thing because he always explains (in great detail) Jewish holidays and how they start in the evening.  After hearing (in great detail) about Yiddish words and stuff, I finally said, "Look, I may be a shiksa, but I'm not a total moron."

That worked.

WMD

W. (the movie) is Majorly Dull.

Basically, it was like any other biographical movie: you get someone who resembles the characters and then tell that person's life story. There were a few chuckle-worthy scenes, but shoehorning some of the President's most famous verbal blunders into scenes just didn't always work. That was one of the things I disliked about Walk the Line, where they worked in song titles or parts into the dialog and it seemed hokey and forced.

I didn't feel like the movie had any real story to tell or even an interesting viewpoint. Unlike JFK, which at least had a crazy conspiracy theory bent, or Nixon, which had a crazy conspirator, there was very little "crazy" in W. It felt like Bush's character was undeveloped and overall, the story was really bland. Collateral characters weren't even charictures of themselves. They were one-dimensional and underplayed. Condi was reduced to little more than Lt. Tawny Madison, which is an insult to both Star Trek and Condi.

A coworker wondered if the blandness was really a metaphor for the blandness and unremarkability of the current presidency. I think that's giving too much to Stone. The movie felt unfinished and like something a student puts together at the last minute without really analyzing the situation.

Bottom line: save your ten dollars for the recession or whatever.

What they're teaching kids in school these days

The First Circuit suggests that abstention might be the way to go.

Ok, I really just wanted to make an abstinence/abstention joke.  Yes, I've been waiting for years for this opportunity.

So thanks, Appellate Law & Practice!

Whitey tighties

Stuff tends to get stuck between my teeth a lot.  I attribute this to my crooked teeth, although I don't know if that's really the reason.  Regardless, it happens a lot, and not just with little pieces of lettuce or some pepper or anything.  

Today I was at a mixer, and I ate a piece of pineapple while talking to some people.  One was trying to arrange a lunch meeting to talk about my work, when I felt a big pineapple fiber stuck between two of my lower teeth.  I could feel it as I talked, and no amount of closed-mouth-tongue-swiping could get it out.  I tried picking at my teeth discreetly.  Then I finally excused myself and went to the bathroom and flossed.  Yes, I carry floss.  Not for the health of my teeth but so people won't be grossed out when talking to me.

Does this happen to people with very straight teeth?  I've been considering getting my teeth straightened (again) but the cost is pretty high.  However, if it would save me from having to talk with my hand over my mouth or abstaining from social eating, it would almost definitely be worth it.

Friday Cat Blog

If I die before I get to write my autobiography, use this for my six word memoir.

A cat, a shoe store bag.

I think that covers pretty much everything.

In the minority

From the National Law Journal:  The number of women and minority attorneys at major U.S. law firms is creeping up, but those groups remain significantly underrepresented in the partner ranks.

Just Wednesday, one of my female colleagues made an offhand comment about the minority-targeted CLE or something something something.  She asked if I got the flyer.  I hadn't.  Which was kind of weird since she's not a minority by any stretch and I am a minority, by a kind-of stretch.

We concluded that her married name, a Hispanic one, must have been the difference maker.  "But why didn't you get one?" she asked.  "Because I have a totally Jewish-sounding name."  I guess Jewish people aren't a minority either.  Who knew?

And?

From the ABA Journal: "A tobacco lawyer claims in an appellate brief that a federal judge who ordered cigarette makers to stop using "light" descriptions for cigarettes ...reproduced large sections of the government’s proposed findings verbatim, complete with the government’s typographical errors." The lawyer points out, "Indeed, over 80 percent of the court’s findings were simply copied from the government’s proposed findings."

The issue of more or less wholesale adoption of an appellate brief was raised a few weeks ago at the Conglomerate. Professors Bainbridge and Smith don't think it's a big deal, and neither do I, though I'm just a lowly adjunct, so what do I know?

In my experience, I know that a lot of the appellate opinions are drafted by new attorneys who don't have a lot of experience in any area, much less the variety an appellate court can see. Thus, I would rather have a court/judge/law clerk at least use a well-written appellate brief as the starting point (if not finishing point). I mean, why reinvent the wheel? It would take more time to "rearrange" things so that the "five or more words in a row" (In a row?!) rule wouldn't apply than to produce more opinions. Plus, the whole findings being copied from proposed findings complaint is lame. Prosecutors routinely draft the findings here. If you leave it to the court, it will take 500 years to get them back.

Finally, this seems like a really bad way to attack an adverse decision, going after the judge for being lazy or plagiarize-y. I mean, you can complain in a more tactful way, like saying the basis for the findings was wrong without hinting that the judge basically "cheated" in using the government's brief.

Thoughts?

C. of E. films presents

The Duchess! Wait, I mean... The Bishop! I can't help it; every time I say "The Duchess" I say it like "The Bishop!"

Funny, she doesn't look Druish

via TSC Girl. This test could have been 94% better if it had actually matched you up with a Mad Men character.

Your result for Are You a Jackie or a Marilyn? Or Someone Else? Mad Men-era Female Icon Quiz...

You Are a Marilyn!

You are a Marilyn -- "I am affectionate and skeptical."

Marilyns are responsible, trustworthy, and value loyalty to family, friends, groups, and causes. Their personalities range broadly from reserved and timid to outspoken and confrontative.

How to Get Along with Me

• * Be direct and clear


• * Listen to me carefully


• * Don't judge me for my anxiety


• * Work things through with me


• * Reassure me that everything is OK between us


• * Laugh and make jokes with me


• * Gently push me toward new experiences


• * Try not to overreact to my overreacting.

What I Like About Being a Marilyn

• * being committed and faithful to family and friends


• * being responsible and hardworking


• * being compassionate toward others


• * having intellect and wit


• * being a nonconformist


• * confronting danger bravely


• * being direct and assertive

What's Hard About Being a Marilyn

• * the constant push and pull involved in trying to make up my mind


• * procrastinating because of fear of failure; having little confidence in myself


• * fearing being abandoned or taken advantage of


• * exhausting myself by worrying and scanning for danger


• * wishing I had a rule book at work so I could do everything right


• * being too critical of myself when I haven't lived up to my expectations

Marilyns as Children Often

• * are friendly, likable, and dependable, and/or sarcastic, bossy, and stubborn


• * are anxious and hypervigilant; anticipate danger


• * form a team of "us against them" with a best friend or parent


• * look to groups or authorities to protect them and/or question authority and rebel


• * are neglected or abused, come from unpredictable or alcoholic families, and/or take on the fearfulness of an overly anxious parent

Marilyns as Parents

• * are often loving, nurturing, and have a strong sense of duty


• * are sometimes reluctant to give their children independence


• * worry more than most that their children will get hurt


• * sometimes have trouble saying no and setting boundaries

Take Are You a Jackie or a Marilyn? Or Someone Else? Mad Men-era Female Icon Quiz at HelloQuizzy

Apparently I'm losing my mind as well as my cases

Exhibit A:  I thought this post was very funny, and some of the comments even funnier.  

This is more embarrassing than solving a Sunday puzzle with knowledge gleaned from Star Trek.

Now and much, much later

While I was at the airport, I picked up a box of See's lollypops vaguely recalling I had read about them in some magazine.  Yesterday, I unwrapped one around 4:00.  I finally threw it away when I left at 6:15.  That's some lollypop!

I need a lollypop keeper, like the banana saver, except for candy.

I kind of want the pumpkin spice lollypops, but I don't know if I want to have a piece of candy that's pumpkin spice-flavored for like, 2 hours on end.

Back to the future

Honey, I'm home!

On the trip, I discovered the "Grip-n-Flip" bottle. It was the only water sold in the airport, so it's not like I got it because I wanted to experiment with bottle design. The bottle promised a new design that would make opening the bottle easier. Apparently it was designed by the same people who designed child-proof medication bottles. You know, just more proof that children are smarter than you are when you, the adult, can't open the bottle.

After all, when the design is "easier" than ever, it shouldn't have to have instructions on how to open the bottle. I can't remember the harder-by-comparison bottles needing instructions on how to open them. Maybe I'm just old and crotchety, but I don't like having to ask other people to open my water bottle for me because I can't figure it out.

But other than that, the trip was fine. Court was fine. In fact, probably fun. At least, the best experience I've had so far.

Time traveler

Work is taking me to another time zone today. I hope I remember to show up on time. I also hope I don't accidentally upgrade myself and get a public reprimand.

Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious

This test makes me feel dumb.

Friday Cat Blogging: a nailbiter

Plug it in, plug it in

Nifty!  Earplug earrings!  I still wear earplugs at work, although people there are not used to that, so they'll just keep talking while I'm not listening.  I wish I could find the kind on a string again.  They're the best, just like those mittens with a string on them.

Don't drink the Kool-Aid (really)

The women's restroom smells overwhelmingly of Kool-Aid.  The tropical punch flavor.  I mean, it REALLY smells like it.  The smell is okay but it's kind of disconcerting to be in a bathroom that smells like someone's picnic.